Hello,
I'm new to this group, having lost my mum on the 8th of September. I feel kind of numb and lost, and I worry about the future.
My mum was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2016. She went through chemotherapy which was successful but the cancer returned around a year or two later. This was a recurring pattern as ovarian cancer has a tendency to come back. Mum therefore went through various sessions of chemotherapy over the years, some fairly straightforward and some which were awful due to complications.
Mum finished her last chemotherapy quite recently (i.e. May) but when we met with the consultant in mid August (after another scan) we found out that the cancer had returned and had spread to mum's liver and lungs. We were told that unfortunately there was nothing else they could do, apart from make mum comfortable.
I cared for my mum at home with visits from the district nurses and doctors. We also had a MacMillan nurse who came to see us a few times. However mum deteriorated quickly. She moved into a hospice on Tuesday the 6th. The staff were amazing and I have no doubt that it was the best place for her. I just wish we had managed to get a bed there sooner. I stayed in hospice with mum as I didn't want to leave her. We weren't there long, as mum passed away on Thursday the 8th.
I've been busy doing all the things you need to do afterwards (registering the death, letting people know, arranging the funeral etc.) but I'm in a strange place emotionally. I'm not in floods of tears, I think I had more tears watching mum deteriorate, but I am in some sort of turmoil. I don't know how I feel exactly. Numb and lost is the closest I can get to describing it.
The funeral is later this week. I will probably be emotional on the day and part of me is dreading the days/weeks after it, as I think that's when it might hit me more - that life won't go back to normal, it will never be normal again, mum is gone. I suppose I'm also worried about the future. I'm in my 30s & I feel very alone in the World now, even though I have people in my life I could turn to.
Thank you MissBrightside19
I'm really sorry to hear about your dad's cancer. Sending you love and hugs! I hope there are many good moments in the time you have left together.
Thank you, I'm trying. I wrote a letter to mum last night which made me cry. I'm kind of hoping that some of the tears shed last night will mean there's less to come out at the funeral but yes, I will just try to feel whatever it is I'm feeling in the moment. Sometimes it's difficult when around others though.
I understand your point about finding it difficult to chat about the situation with those who haven't experienced it or something similar. I feel that way too. They can sympathise but they really don't know what it's like. I'm repulsed by my manager at the moment who is a prime example & her words just seem so false, I also know she just wants me to return to work asap. I find it a lot easier to talk to my friends who have lost a parent as they know exactly what I'm going through. I'm finding this online community helpful too as you know those you are talking to are going through similar experiences so they completely understand.
Thank you so much, I really appreciate it 
sending love & good wishes your way x
