Hi, I am 23 now and lost my mum when I was 17 to secondary breast cancer, she was 51.
Everything started when I was 8 years old, she had breast cancer and had 2 surgeries, chemo and radio and was ok. In the years that followed she had several surgeries for a reconstruction, then in 2014 it returned in her liver and spine. She was given an initial prognosis of at least 3 good years but could be in excess of 10, but died just short of 2 years later.
I have an older brother (now 33) and my dad, who suffered very hard with losing my mum. Due to my age and timing (it was the beginning of summer holidays) I spent all of my time making sure my dad was ok (my brother was working) and took on managing the house, paying bills etc. For a 17 year old this was a lot anyway! So never had chance to grieve properly. The relationship with my dad broke down in early 2019 when I moved out, moving in with my boyfriend's parents for over a year before becoming a lodger. I do now live with my boyfriend and have a better relationship with my dad but it still isn't easy.
This year I have really been starting to struggle with losing my mum, I'm going to uni in a couple of weeks for the first time and feel it is very unfair that I have to do it alone, and this makes me think of everything else I'll have to do without her.
I'm suspecting I could have PTSD (but I'm unsure as my trauma lasted for so many years?) As I avoid anything I know will remind me of my mum, don't speak out loud about her to anyone, get shaky and rapid breathing if anyone else brings it up, have awful trouble sleeping, depression and sometimes intrusive thoughts reminding me of all the days we spent in hospital, particularly towards the end.
Does anyone think this could be PTSD? Or have any suggestions to help. I have tried a few counsellors but have never found one I can fully open up to, I'm so fearful of getting upset that I put barriers up to stop it happening and don't know how to overcome it.
Thank you for reading x
