I didn't cry much at all to start with,
My Mum passed away in January this year she was diagnosed in October 2021 with stage 4 pancreatic had a couple of attempts at having a bile duct stent but it was sepsis that took hold in the end, She never even reached Chemo.
To witnesses someone you love ️ and care about deteriorate in a matter of weeks was so cruel and I couldn't do a thing to help apart from make her cups of mocha at her request, we got her one of those sippy cups as it was easier for her to hold amongst the shaking from the infection.
Mum came home on December 17th the day before Mum and dads wedding anniversary and we got to spend 3 weeks with her, She was a fighter, had zero pain but because the cancer had spread she eventually lost the ability to walk. We had carers, nurses etc everyday and it was chaos for her she eventually politely asked them to come every other day and us as a family Myself, Fiancé, Dad, brother and sister in law did everything from cleaning up, changing, bed bathing and pampering we made her feel she was at the Ritz.
You know up until a WEEK ago everything was a blurr and all I could or can remember were those final seconds. Horrifying to witnesses, hear, see. To be honest it's definitely NOT what you see in movies where they gaze across say I love you and peacefully slip away it was infact the total opposite somewhat of a horror movie. Well for me it was.
However I'm slowly starting to piece every other conscious moment the good and the bad, And infact my emotions have now hit me 100%, I wake up in the night
If I smile at work I then start to feel guilty then the heart ache hits me, I can probably go a day without sobing then I do.
Do you know what I've done as I would always tell mum EVERYTHING send pictures etc.. when ever I have a thought that I want to tell her something I write it down on anything I can find and put it in a nice box, I've done the same for pictures I bought a little HP portable bluetooth printer so whenever I take a picture of something I can print it and put it in the box.
That way in months / years to come I can look back through stuff.
The days are getting harder and you have to remember there isn't a set rule for grief NO MATTER what anyone tells you.
I was on autopilot no emotions really right up until August (last month) but I think as the days are going on my walls are coming down and I have to tell myself if I need to cry I'll cry, if I need to swear I'll swear and so on.
