Hello, this is my first time posting here. My mum passed away in March after having cancer for 2 years. She was gradually getting better, until rapidly going downhill. We were told on a Wednesday that she was terminal, I went to her side on Thursday morning and stayed next to her until 4am when she left us. Nobody ever speaks about the trauma of witnessing a life leave someone.
The minute she passed, I stopped crying, I was in total shock after witnessing the worst thing that could happen. 6 months later I rarely cry, I'm acting like nothing happened. When I think about the funeral it doesn't make sense, I cant connect it with mum and it feels like it wasn't real.
When I feel like I want to cry my brain stops me and I just can't let myself go there. Losing my mum, my best friend, still feels like it isn't happening to me. I laugh at work and feel so happy. I haven't had any low days.
Some forum posts I see say how they are crying constantly and finding it hard to live. I seem to be the opposite. I realise all this is normal and it'll hit me one day I guess. I'm totally unwilling to deal with it all just now. Has anyone else experienced a similar delay? It truly was the most awful and unimaginable thing that happened, and I think its sent me into total denial. I've created a little world where I know its happened but I'm not willing to understand what's happened and feel the emotion connected to it. I hope that makes sense. Thank you everyone.
Not everybody cries - just to start with. I don't think you can count someone's grief by their tears.
You say that you are unwilling to deal with it all just now, and that sounds rational in itself. There may come a time when you can "deal with" it in very small pieces, not all at once. So it's good if you can have some sort of coping mechanism in place first. No need to feel guilty for that. It's what most people do, precisely because their love is so great that they can't deal with the grief all at once.
That said, it sounds like you feel you have things you may need to go through. Are there any bereavement groups near you, that you could join? I've heard of one near me that offers a guided group, where people who have been bereaved for some time but are finding it hard to process can go along. They have a kind of guided group discussion to explore how they feel. I don't know if that would work for you.
I lost my Mum to cancer, and I wasn't able to be there for her when she died, because of covid. That left me feeling terrible, that I couldn't be there for her at the end. You were at her side - you went through that trauma for her, and with her. That shows courage. Something to be proud of, perhaps?
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