Everyone around me moving on

It sounds like you're really isolated in the midst of this family. So it must be worth trying to find sources of support outside - whether that is forums like this one, or helplines (sometimes it's easier to talk). It's probably not the first thing that occurs to you just because you have all these family members, but then, sometimes that doesn't help!

What was your relationship with your step daughter like before all of this? And do you think it depended in some way on your husband's presence?

I also wonder whether having two young children takes away your space to grieve, a lot of the time?

All I want to do is reach out and give  you a big hug.

I lost my Mum in January this year after a short and very cruel battle with pancreatic cancer mum didn't even reach chemo stage as sepsis took hold in the end.

We managed to get her home for 3 weeks before she passed so she had Christmas, wedding anniversary and new year with us. She passed on the 9th January.

Although she was completely bed ridden for those 3 weeks right up until the night before she was a fighter. 

Despite the horrifying last hours I kept a stiff upper lip and everyone has said how strong I am.

I need to be for my Dad I need to be strong I can't break infront of him.

I feel I'm carrying so many emotions that my walls have just in this past week started to come down and now I'm a complete mess.

I put in another post that I have created a thought box, so when ever I would have sent her a text, a picture etc I write it down on anything I can find and put it in the box.

I bought a portable HB printer and when ever I would have sent her a picture I print it out and put it in the box. Maybe you should create this just for you, A way to release some feelings and thoughts.

Mine could be something random like "table" as I got a new garden table that I would send a picture of to her. It doesn't have to be sentences just a word. 

Thank you for your message. It has taken me a while to write a reply. I have really struggled with things since the death of the Queen last week. I just felt with the sadness all around it just sort of consumed me and took me back to how I felt in January when my husband passed. 

I did have someone to talk to, a psychologist through the school I work for, but she has changed the way she works and is only able to do online meetings. I don’t get space to do this unless the kids are in bed and by that time it’s too late & I’m too tired. I am looking into other options. 

the relationship between my husband and his daughter has always been strained since I met him, she made choices that disappointed and hurt him and for about 18months to 2years before the diagnosis she had refused to talk to him. She has had her own health struggles but pushed him away when he tried to help and then stopped talking to him which really hurt. She tended to only talk to him when she was in trouble and needed/wanted something from him, mainly expecting him to give her money. 

She met with him and when he told her the news she was very upset. She has told me recently that she is struggling with regret of how things were between them. 

Yes I feel I can’t talk to his family because they don’t see things from my point of view, they just see a wedding where they can get drunk and seem blinkered by everything else. (My husband was so different to his siblings). I also don’t feel I can talk to my family because they just I feel they just agree with me. I really want/need someone detached from it all to help me work through my feelings but not sure where to go as I struggle for time away from the children. I have so many mixed emotions about it all. 

it does help writing things on here but then lots of people who will be reading it are going through tough times too. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this 

My husband passed away on 9th January also. He was in a hospice. He’d said to me that he wanted to be at home but he ended up in hospital a few days earlier and when it came to it I felt that it was better for the children that he wasn’t at home. It let them come see him and then escape to home. The hospice were brilliant with him but also the children when they came to visit, they allowed my parents in to be in another room for the children to have time out of it was too much for them seeing their dad. 

it all seemed so quick in the end. I had thought about staying over at the hospice but my children had just come home (from being with their grandparents) and come too see their dad and I felt it was right to be with them. The nurses said they thought he’d have a few more days but then at about 2.30am they called to say he’d gone just like that. The previous week he’d been at home talking and having a laugh with us, although he had been in pain. 

I get what you mean about not breaking in front of your dad. I try to stay strong for the children and I talk to them about it being ok to talk about their dad & it’s ok to feel sad and cry or not cry. It doesn’t mean they miss him any more/less. But equally I don’t want to keep getting upset in from of them and then them feel they’ve got to look after me. 

My 11yr old noticed around the time of his death and the funeral that I wasn’t eating much so she often made me a sandwich for lunch. 

The photo thing sounds like a good idea. I’ve got a large photo frame with multiple photos that we put up when my papa passed away. I put photos of him with the children. He spent a lot of time with them when they were young, they were his first great grandchildren and it’s nice to look at. I have bought the same photo frame and I intend to do the same for the children with their dad so we have these physical memories. 

thanks for taking the time to read. 
Claire