It doesn’t get easier

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My gran and papa were my world. They were like second parents. we spend every day with them. As I got older they became my best friends.

I was 15 when papa got diagnosed with throat cancer. At first it was treatable then it became terminal. He fought and fought and lived with it for three years. By the end, cancer had taken over his body. My mum, who is my everything, went to see him everyday. I was still in school so went every second day. At this stage, we lived 45 minutes on the motorway away. He had various stints in hospital. I remember studying for my fourth year exams in the car on the way there/back and in the hospital when papa left to have treatment/scans etc. a month after my 18th and four days after we got back from Spain (where we had a plan just incase he didn’t make it home), papa passed away at home. I was the one to receive that phone call from my gran, who screamed down the phone in tears. He had passed away three days before my final school exams so as I tried to study, we were also arranging his funeral. The day we put him to rest was one of the worst days of my life. Although I felt relief in a way that he was no longer in pain, it didn’t feel real.

fast forward less than a year later, we were two weeks into the first lockdown in 2020. We got a call from my grans niece to say my gran, who had been shielding since the beginning of March, sounded confused and disorientated on the phone. My whole family tried to call her but I was the one who got through. After making sure she was ok, something didn’t feel right. My dad (her son in law) then drove through to check in person. When she didn’t answer the door or the phone he and her son put their masks and gloves on and went in. They found her at the side of her bed, on the floor. She didn’t know how she got there. That was day 1, on day 10, she passed away. My mum and I, along with some other family members, had essentially moved in to care for her and spent every night with her. We were told pretty soon on that it was palliative care but it didn’t seem possible how quick it had all happened.

I tried to deal with it in the same way as I had papa - finding the good out of a horrible situation. For me, it was that they were together again. They were teenagers when they met and got married so I took comfort in knowing they had each other again as gran was absolutely heartbroken when papa passed. But last November (2021) I started to have panic attacks and serious lows. As I had always been able to control my feelings before and push them to the back of my mind, this was foreign to me. It still is now.

these panic attacks then turned into flashbacks, which then turned into nightmares where I was waking up crying. The flackbacks are seeing gran taken out of the house by the funeral directors and dressing her while we waited for them. I still feel her skin on mine, my hands are now always cold. The nightmares end up with me waking up abruptly in the same state I was at their funerals, that cry when you can’t breathe and it just doesn’t feel real.

this lasted until April this year. It got so bad that an ambulance had to be called as we thought I was having a heart attack one night. This scared me so I really focused on making myself better and doing everything and anything to prevent me from getting to that low point. However, in June it all started again when I was abroad. I have never felt worse. The panic attacks are often, I think about those traumatic moments daily and I just can’t get over the fact they are not here and the what ifs. What happened to make papas cancer terminal after being told we had caught it so quick he had a 90% chance of remission. What did gran pass of? They put it down as secondary breast cancer (which she was diagnosed with and cured of in 2010) but as we were in our earliest stages of covid-19 we couldn’t find out for sure.

i am so aware that the pain will never go away and it only gets more bearable with time as you learn to live with it but for someone who has never had any negative emotions for a long period of time I know I need to take the next step and properly grieve/process it. I have been the rock for everyone else as I don’t want to add more worry/upset to my family who are hurting too but They never leave my mind, I cry myself to sleep at night thinking about everything they were supposed to be here for. They were only 70, which is still young these days I think. I know there are so many people in the world who have it worse which is why I have never spoken to anyone about it properly however I am hoping this is the first step in recovering from these awful episodes.

Pops11 over 2 years ago

aw hunny. i’m so sorry my love.

you are absolutely right - the pain will never go away, but you find ways to cope, i promise.

you are not alone, there are so many people out there who have open arms for you, and so many people who can help you.

i really hope you’re doing better hun <3

all the best,

Poppy :)

Shirley2022 over 2 years ago

Having recently joined the Macmillan community, I haven’t before replied to anyone. However, having seen your post, I felt I must. You’ve had a horrible time of it.

I lost both my parents within a year of each other – it was almost exactly 8 years ago. I am a lot older than you but I do understand how you feel – I felt exactly the same way. My grief was so strong that I barely recognised myself. You are right – it is so so difficult but all I can say is that with time, the pain and what ifs do subside.

I had a terrible time of it (for me, about a year) but slowly did start to feel better. I personally found writing my thoughts down in a private diary very helpful – every day I was sad and regretful – but there were also days when I was angry at the situation and struggling to understand if I would ever feel normal again. Because my diary was totally private, I wrote down my true feelings – even if I knew they were irrational. I found it to be something of a release. I also made sure that I wrote down one thing that made me smile about my mom and dad each day or a memory we shared. That used the last entry in my diary every day and slowly but surely started to make me feel better.. When in the grips of grief, finding moments that make you happy can be hard. But, creating a process for doing so sort of makes you do it.

I also started to set myself small goals – starting each day by setting myself 3 things I needed to achieve that day – however small. I made sure that at least one of them had the opportunity to make me smile. It made me start to feel a little more positive as I focused on achieving my 3 things each day. It was hard and took discipline, but I persevered and found that it worked. It took my mind off the overwhelming sadness I felt.

My tips are:

Don’t put pressure on yourself to feel better – it will happen in time.
If you need help, ask for it. You’ve already taken the first step in sharing your post.
Don’t feel you need to be the rock all the time. Give yourself a break.
Write your feelings down – whatever they are. It’s such a release
Never feel guilty about finding joy in things/laughing. I’m sure your papa and gran would like to think that you still find joy in life.
A few minutes of meditation also helped me – never did it before my parents died but there are a couple of apps that helped me. I didn’t have full panic attacks but there were times when I just needed the world to stop turning for a moment to be alone with my thoughts. I still do this every so often to this day when I’m stressed about other things.

I still have my diary and every so often I look at it and realise how far I’ve come. Even though it’s been 8 years, I can think of my parents one day and smile but other days, I cry – but mostly I smile and remember all the experiences we did share. In the years since they’ve passed, on special occasions, I spend a few moments thinking about my parents (and speaking to them in my own head) and somehow that makes them feel part of it.

I don’t know if writing things down, an app for meditation or focusing on 3 wins each day will work for you but I thought I’d share the ideas just in case. I truly hope that in some small way it helps.

Ptsy over 2 years ago in reply to Shirley2022

I truly appreciate you sharing your story and top tips. You have without a doubt shared some words of wisdom so thank you. It is in some way comforting knowing you aren’t the only one having gone through so much in so little time. I will definitely give mediation and writing my thoughts down as it is something I haven’t done before. I am so happy that you have reached the point where the memories you have of your parents outweigh the upset, time really is healer. Thank you so much for replying, all the best x

Shirley2022 over 2 years ago in reply to Ptsy

I really appreciate your reply. As I say, I hope it helps. I know it's tough but hang on in there. It does get better. Look after yourself! Sending lots of good thoughts your way.

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