I went on holiday to spain at the end of june to visit my mum. She knew she had cancer but chose to hide it and was not going to tell me. She didn’t know the extent of how far the cancer spread but she knew she had it. She was a nurse and i found several notes and items that showed me she knew. He friends in Spain knew too because she had told them. She had stage 4 lung cancer which was diagnosed days before her passing away and it had spread to her pelvis. This was her second time getting lung cancer. First time in the left lung which the doctors successfully operated on in the UK. That was 12 years ago but this time it was in the right lung. It was only thankfully one my mums friends insisting that she tell me that i was able to find out she had cancer. My mum played it down though and she told me she thinks she has cancer. She told me a week before i flew to spain. My son was with us for the first week in Spain and she told me she wanted to wait until after his graduation at the end of july to tell people. She also would of had the full diagnosis from the oncologist by then. I respected her wishes and kept it to myself. When my son left after the first week of the holiday my mums health rapidly went down hill she passed away within days. It blew my mind because mum had taken me to aqua aerobics and we gone to the beach, out for dinner, mud baths the week before. She was still very active. She was breathless on occasions but she played it down and said she just needed her inhaler. She did the same thing when she got cancer 12 years ago. I was so upset at the time. My mums brother had done the same. He had not told family he had cancer and passed away the year before. My Gran also passed away with cancer the year before that. I guess at the time when my mum got cancer 12 years ago going through the loss of her brother and mum she probably wanted to protect me. I’m not upset with her this time for not telling me sooner. I totally respect her decision. I feel guilt for not telling the family sooner but didn’t want to disrespect my mums wishes. I’m lost without my mum. She was my best friend and i would call her every other day. She was the most loving person you would come across. always putting others first. To say i’m heartbroken is an understatement. It’s been just over two weeks since my mum passed away. I was in Spain for a month dealing with all this and it was horrible. I remember when my mum was in hospital my mum saying to me “this is not too much for you is it?” i replied “no mum it’s fine i got this just let me look after you” . The last day we hug each other tightly and i cried on her shoulder like a child. I knew she loved me and she knew i loved her. It was hard having to deal with everyone else’s grief when i hadn’t even addressed mine. Certain family members were not supportive because they were too consumed in their own wants and needs. I flew home with my mums ashes last Saturday. I cried for most of the journey. Passengers next to me just moved and didn’t say anything. I had the whole row to myself with my mum in an urn on one seat. I’m just grateful for very supportive friends, my children, and my mums siblings and friends who have reached out to me. I’m still processing everything.
