Empty

It’s 2.18am and i’m awake waiting for the call from the hospital to say that mum has got her angel wings.

My mum had lung cancer 12 years ago and she got through it. Then she recently got diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer which had spread to her pelvis. I knew she didn’t have long i just didn’t know how long. My mums in spain so the language barrier has been a real challenge for me. The care in spain is awful but that’s the least of my concern right now.

My mum was fine yesterday (as she could be) yesterday. Mobile and talking. I had been discussing options with my mum to get her back to the UK. I just wanted to look after her where she would get better support. Then today boom she’s in intensive care and i’m being told there’s not much more they can do and it’s a matter of time before she passes away. Apparently her lungs had collapsed and her heart stopped. They then resuscitated her and put her on a ventilator. 

I played her favourite songs, sobbed like a baby as i hugged her. I’m trying to hold on to the memory of the tight hug we shared the day before as we cried knowing that she was on borrowed time. Now i’m laying holding a blanket that belongs to her to try to sooth the tight pain i have in my chest right now. 

It’s hard dealing with grief from her friends, siblings etc as i’m trying to deal with my own grief. I have literally gone into auto pilot and comforting those effected by the latest news. 

I always knew life without my mum would  hit hard but this is just soul destroying. From diagnosis last week to my mums health just rapidly gone down.

i think she knew way before then but was holding on to attend my sons   graduation at the end of this month. She said she was planning to tell me after the graduation but i’m so glad my mums friend convinced her to tell me. It allowed me the time to make every moment count.

I know i’m going to be an absolute mess when she finally goes. My mum was my best friend, my everything :(