The day I'd been dreading since she was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer in June 2021 finally came. She lived alone and had a visit from a carer in the morning and a phone call in the afternoon, at my mum's request. I used to see her almost every day and do shopping, pay bills, etc but she used to keep telling me "don't come tomorrow Dean have a day off' as if seeing her and helping her was some big chore. I admit I felt relieved when she was admitted to hospital because I didn't have to worry about her being on her own or getting a text from her asking me to go around because she didn't feel well, which happened a few times.
She was in hospital for about two months and I was looking at nursing homes for her but on Wednesday I had a chat with the doctor and we decided it was best for her to stay in hospital until the end of her life because her condition had deteriorated and she was comfortable there and the staff knew her. My mum wasn't able to talk much at this point but we both told her our opinions and she agreed it was for the best.
She had lost so much weight that I don't think it was possible to lose any more, she was just skin and bone...she was so frail. She struggled with anxiety and breathlessness and was on a syringe driver of midazolam and oxycodone for the last few days which for the most part made her relaxed and comfortable. She had no pain though somehow and her body just gradually slowed and slowed.
I visited pretty much every day in the hospital and was by her side almost all this week, holding her hand and telling her how strong she was and that I was there for her. It was heartbreaking to see her struggle but there was no way I wasn't going to be there. She told me one night "when I hold your hands I feel really safe" and another time when she was a bit out of it - "I knew you'd keep me safe" ... I'll never forget that. I was holding her hands when she passed away.. I did my best for her.
Hi Dean___
Thank you for sharing your story and perhaps making things a little bit easier for others in a similar situation. While there is always sadness in any loss it sounds like you and your mum had a wonderful relationship and it was good that the hospital was able to look after her so well, meaning that you could concentrate on being the best you that could possibly be.
<<hugs>>
Steve
