I lost my life partner of 10 years on December 14th 2021.
I'm still immensely ruptured. And still trying to make sense of it all. I just feel I wasn't able to protect him, this stays with me from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep. Life is futile now, I feel I have less reason to go on by myself day by day. I plough on, the body is willing but my spirit is no longer alligned.
I do hope you understand what I am feeling. I feel so sorry that my partner did not get to live his life, we had gentle simple plans ahead of us, these are gone forever now. I am just hemorrhaging inside by his absence, and his loss. He was such a wonderful man. Selfless, kind, kept it simple. Courageous till the end. I miss him terribly.
I wish we had never gone to Hospital. I truely feel had I wrapped him out of sight and out of mind during the two year Covid stranglehold on the NHS, he would certainly still be alive today. I live with this feeling deep in my gut every day. I feel I failed him. I miss him more than words will ever portray. Mistakes cost his life. Snap decisions. I wish I hadn't been so trusting...
If you'd made other choices then you may have caught covid. Try not to what if, as you can't ever know the alternative.
As for the way you feel, that's what my Dad said too, and I felt awful but realised whatever support I am, I'm not Mum and the house is quiet. I don't have answers as I'm not sure there are any, except you are blessed to have so many good memories.
Thank you for taking the time and consideration to read my post and to respond. I just know had he stayed away from the hospital, yhe the mistakes would not have happened. We shielded throughout, neither my partner, mother or I caught Covid. We didn't engage with anyone else. My partner unfortunately engaged with the system, they made a cost bslsnce analysis and decided they were not going to save him, amidst a bed, nurse, doctor and services shortage.
Every day is another day I have to live with this injustice. Every day is one more day without Tim.
It gets harder. It gets more painful. Everything is brutal in its cementing of what has passed, what is now, and the bleakness and futility of what's to come.
I just want my partner back and I know that will in the end continue to devastate any fragment of my own wellbeing.
May I express my sadness at your loss, and wish your father, yourself and your family well.
That's just awful. The pain in missing our loved ones is just too much at times. It has been said on other forums too that only ourselves truly understand how it feels with this loss.
Our situation wasn't quite like yours but it was over 'Covid times'. I do feel the system let my wife down too. She went through a year of being wrongly diagnosed with some very unpleasant procedures without me being able to go in through the doors with her before the scan, which provided the worst case scenario, was done.
I fear that the number of people who are going to experience something similar is only going to increase given the decisions made over the last two years or so. I hope I am wrong though.
Thank you for taking the time and compassion to read and respond to my post. And for your empathy to a very difficult situation, to one experience, and two talk frankly and honestly about.
It's just so sad when we see the other side of the system in its devastatingly immune approach to life curdled by the mismanagement of resources.
I'm sorry to hear about your wife. And I wish you and your family well and hope the path ahead is covered with compassion and understanding.
I agree with your concern about the future. I also believe a lot of people have not had the capacity to voice similar fatal experiences, to ours, with the system over the past few years. It's truely difficult to gage a conversation in a world that has purposely been told "to move on". It has a ring of "Nothing to see here." I sense a lot of people in the system are sitting on what happened in the hospitals until they are called to give evidence at the protracted covid inquiry which should have started this spring.
Today, though, all we can today is stay strong, keep our integrity and honour our loved ones past and present.
