My dad was 1st diagnosed with lung cancer back in 2015. He had a lobectomy and didn't require any further treatment. He had his check ups for 5 years and everything was fine. Fast forward to 22nd May 2022, he started having trouble walking and was in severe pain so was called an ambulance and he was taken to hospital. An MRI scan the following day showed lesions on the spine and a follow up CT scan showed Metastatic deposits. He had lung cancer again, this time in his spine, shoulder, collar bone and adrenal glands. He was given a terminal diagnosis on 27th May. We brought him home as he wished. The first 2 weeks were as good as they could be he could walk around the house using his frame and even get out into the garden to look at his flowers and watch the birds. Thursday 16th June he woom a turn for the worse and was gasping for breath, his oxygen levels were 71,we waited 7 hours, yes 7 Hours for oxygen to be delivered. He passed away peacefully at home on Friday 17th June, 16:52 with his family around him. Although we knew his diagnosis none of us expected it to be so quick and I am really struggling to accept that he's gone and I will never feel his arms around me. He was only 68 and the most selfless man.
Hi Jen
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your dad.
You can all take great comfort from having him at home with you for those last few weeks and were with him when he passed. This would have given him such great comfort also and made his passing more emotionally peaceful. He will always be around you and will always try to guide, support and comfort you as best he can. Talk to him where and when ever you want - even little things such as "Oh, it's so hot today" You need to open yourself to any response he will send which could happen immediately or within a few days. You may feel an overwhelming sense of peace and calm, you may find a white feather without an explanation, radio / tv may re tune to one of his favourites, you may smell his favourite aftershave or find an item everyone thought lost for years. If you go to one of his favourite places such as the local park and talk to him you may get a wild bird come extremely close to you and that will be your sign he is near. Tell him how you feel and that you miss him and ask him to support the whole family as best he can. Remember that we all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so some may seem to get over things sooner than others. There are no rights or wrongs about grieving you just have let your own instincts guide you through it.
A great way to help with your emotions is to write things down so always carry a notebook and pen. You may be in the supermarket when seeing something triggers an emotion. Just go to the toilet have a quick cry and write down exactly how you feel. You can review this when you get home and note what, if anything, you did to help you overcome it at the time. You will learn over time to build coping strategies for most situations. The pain will never leave but will seem easier as you learn to cope with your emotions.
On your own or with the family you could start a memory book about your dad. You can include stories (happy and sad to give a balanced view) of your own childhood, stories your dad told you about his childhood, stories from other relatives and some of your dads friends, and lots of photos. This keeps memories alive for everyone but especially any little grandchildren who may not know who he was. It also helps the family to talk about things together and share and show their emotions with each other which is sometimes the hardest part. You also mentioned about flowers - always plant his favourites in the garden even if you moved elsewhere. You may be able, with council permission, to plant some of his favourites in the local park at his favourite spot.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
