Struggling to accept the loss of my dad.

Hi Jen

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your dad.

You can all take great comfort from having him at home with you for those last few weeks and were with him when he passed.  This would have given him such great comfort also and made his passing more emotionally peaceful.  He will always be around you and will always try to guide, support and comfort you as best he can.  Talk to him where and when ever you want - even little things such as "Oh, it's so hot today"  You need to open yourself to any response he will send which could happen immediately or within a few days.  You may feel an overwhelming sense of peace and calm, you may find a white feather without an explanation, radio / tv may re tune to one of his favourites, you may smell his favourite aftershave or find an item everyone thought lost for years.  If you go to one of his favourite places such as the local park and talk to him you may get a wild bird come extremely close to you and that will be your sign he is near.  Tell him how you feel and that you miss him and ask him to support the whole family as best he can.  Remember that we all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so some may seem to get over things sooner than others.  There are no rights or wrongs about grieving you just have let your own instincts guide you through it.

A great way to help with your emotions is to write things down so always carry a notebook and pen.  You may be in the supermarket when seeing something triggers an emotion.  Just go to the toilet have a quick cry and write down exactly how you feel.  You can review this when you get home and note what, if anything, you did to help you overcome it at the time.  You will learn over time to build coping strategies for most situations.  The pain will never leave but will seem easier as you learn to cope with your emotions.

On your own or with the family you could start a memory book about your dad.  You can include stories (happy and sad to give a balanced view) of your own childhood, stories your dad told you about his childhood, stories from other relatives and some of your dads friends, and lots of photos.  This keeps memories alive for everyone but especially any little grandchildren who may not know who he was.  It also helps the family to talk about things together and share and show their emotions with each other which is sometimes the hardest part.  You also mentioned about flowers - always plant his favourites in the garden even if you moved elsewhere.  You may be able, with council permission, to plant some of his favourites in the local park at his favourite spot.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

Hi,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you are feeling and understand the emotions you went and are going through.

I lost my Dad in Feb, he was diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer in June 2021. I still, nearly 5 months on cannot believe he isn’t here. He declined rapidly in his last few weeks, struggled to breathe, and was admitted to hospital with what we thought was a chest infection but sadly it was progression. He turned 68 on the day he was admitted to hospital for his last few days. It was brutal for him and I am so angry about that!! I wish I was more open with him and how he was feeling because we all assumed he was so poorly from the treatment, never did I think it was because the cancer was professing rapidly and we all thought he would leave the hospital.

I can’t say anything that would help, it’s a really horrendous, sad and the worst time of our lives! I’m angry that was his fate, I’m heartbroken he isn’t here and I miss him every single second of the day, how does life “get better” and how does it “get easier” when my Dad will never be here.

Sending you hugs and I know how heartbroken you are. We cry, we laugh, we talk about him everyday and speak about him like he is still here because I never will accept the loss of my beautiful Dad.

xxxx 

Hi Essex, 

               Thank you for the reply. It was just all so sudden, I'm really struggling to accept it. He's been there my whole life (37years) and was such a selfless man it just doesn't seem fair.

I'm truly sorry for your loss also because I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

Take Care XxX

Thank You, David.

                              Your reply was very thoughtful and informative. Its still so raw at the moment I suppose its going to take time to come to terms with it. 

Hi

I know, it really isn’t fair at all, it really doesn’t make sense. I turn 39 this Saturday, and I just am not in the mood in the slightest! A piece of me died the day I lost my Dad. 

If ever you just need to post on here just to vent, we are all here and understand your pain xx 

That's very true. I feel like a piece of me died too when Mum went.

However, in other ways, I'm more her too. I've met friends of hers I never had met before, my memories are more vivid because of my loss, I'm more grateful for the strengths I got from her (some of which I didn't even realise until I had to talk to her friends to be able to write the eulogy).

Whilst a large proportion of my life remains a constant,  another seam has changed completely.  No more daily WhatsApps or weekly calls. Instead I call Dad daily and I rarely spoke to him on the phone before.