Decided I needed to speak about it, I find it difficult to discuss with those close to me. However in these times of upset I am glad I have possibly found somewhere to turn. the last time I saw my mum was on my birthday 6 days later she was dead. I wonder if she actually knew and didn’t want to say. We had to wait ages for the post mortem which stated stage 4 lung cancer incurable and it had spread to other organs in the body. I kick myself. I work in an end of life nursing home, how could I not see that my own mother was dying. The night she died, during the day I asked my brother if I should go round and his response was “no she’s not at deaths door” - fact and truth is you just never know. She text me a day before she died to say her results were back from the hospital but they were confused as to what was going on. I’m not sure if she died in pain but she possibly died alone - she encouraged my brother to go out (he is 25) I am 32- to see his friends when he returned home he found her in her own faeces so washed her down in the bath, put her into bed and got into bed next to her to lay with her, when he woke the next morning she was already dead. I will forever regret not going round. She was 64. She did have a rare stage of skin cancer years and years ago then suffered a lot with a heart attack open heart surgery etc and had been in the month before with heart issues so thought it was something to do with that, I hope she was in no pain when she died I hope she didn’t know; she was still so happy and loving oh my birthday it makes me really upset.
we lost my dad to cancer too when I was 15 so she really was our mum and dad for the 17 years there after. She was our rock. It’s so hard. My daughter misses her badly and I am glad she can talk to someone at school and get her feelings out. I feel sick with guilt almost everyday and sad but hide it away, but it is eating away at me. Should I just pack up and start a fresh somewhere new. Cancer sucks.
