Losing my mum- carrying my dad's grief too

Hi Libby,

Sort of similar. Mum passed on 22nd May. Dad and she were 56 years married. He's now on his own, all his friends have passed on and the friends they have were more my Mum's than his. He's 81.

I came home after a week and it was getting harder not easier.

We've tried to set up little things for him to look forward to. My brother goes once a week, he's coming to stay with us for 10 days in the summer, a friend on Mum's who lost her husband is taking him to a community lunch tomorrow and we are looking into local day out coach trips to see if he fancies going on any. He was invited to a hospice group but it needs a car, and he has one but was thinking of giving up driving.

Can you see if you can find things he might be interested in doing although it's early days. My Dad tried to go to something after 9 days and bailed out in tears. My brother told me off for encouraging him! 

I do feel mainly responsible as my brother isn't in good health but he seems better with Dad than he was with dealing with funeral and telling people, which he didn't do anything towards as his own mental health needed supporting.

Keep in touch, our stories are similar. Hopefully your Dad being young will find options to help him. Try and see if you can start to lift the whole burden from your shoulders.

Hi Libby,

i am in a very similar situation it seems.

my mum passed away in December 2019, 3 days after my 21st birthday literally within hours from having sepsis relating to her chemo.

i didn't live at home at the time it happened and had to move back home to look after my dad and essentially to keep him company. i felt like and i do still feel as though i was never given proper time and space to grieve properly myself as i was so focused on being there to support my dad and comfort him. like you say i feel like I'm carrying my dad's grief on top of my own and honestly its exhausting. 

my advise after living with him for 3 years post my mums death is yes, you should support him, it must be unimaginably hard to loose your wife after that many years and the thought of being alone is terrible, but he MUST understand that you have also lost your mum, an unreplaceable person in your life and having happened at such a young age for both you and your sister is just as devastating in a different way. you need to be there to support each other and also give each other space to grieve independently. i have no idea what your dad is like obviously but in my situation, because i was my dads rock of support during it, he now relies on me to almost emotionally rfill the void of my mum by always being home, constantly reminding me about his loss etc.

i think its good that you both have the opportunity to have some independence away from because of uni and work at some point and it'll be good and healthy for him as well to have some personal time and space to learn to live with what has happened and adapt to the way life will be now.

i am so incredibly sorry for your whole family's loss and i really don't mean to sound so abrupt in what i am saying, just from my experience i completely understand how draining and exhausting it is to carry someone else's grief on top of your own and i think if i could go back 3 years to a few weeks after my mums passing i definitely would have handled my own and my dads grieving process differently.

i hope this helps at least a little bit and please keep in touch or message me if you need any support or someone to talk to about things.