Feel like I am going through it all over again

We lost my mum in August last year, it all happened very quickly, she was diagnosed in May 2021 and lost her fight in August 21 and now a year on I feel like everyday I am re-living what we went through, is this what other people have experienced, is it just part of the grieving process and normal.  I am getting very frustrated with myself as I am struggling to concentrate and focus and just want to get back to normal well not normal if I take anything from this I need to start living but at present feel this will never happen.  

  • Hi Clarence

    Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. 

    What you are feeling is perfectly normal. The first year is always the most difficult due to all the firsts such as birthdays, holidays, Christmas.  We all grieve at different speeds and in different ways so there are no rights or wrongs.  Your mind needs time to adjust and build coping strategies to deal with any trigger situations.  The pain never leaves you but will feel easier as you learn how to deal with each situation.

    Your mum will always be around you and will try to guide, comfort and support you as best she can.  Talk to her where and when ever you want - even trivial things like "Oh it's raining again".  Your mum will always try to send you a sign that she is near and listening.  The sign may be a few days later but you have to open yourself up to recognise it as a sign and not just coincidence.  You may find an unexpected white feather, radio / tv may re tune, you may smell your mums favourite perfume or find something that had been lost for years.  Talk to her in the old familiar way using the same tone of voice and phrases you used then.  Ask her to comfort you and you will start to feel a quietness and this will be your mum saying that everything is fine.  Visit her favourite place such as the local park and quietly talk to her there and you may find a wild bird coming extremely close - this will be her response to comfort you.

    You could start writing things down about your emotions - writing is a great way of expressing things that you wouldn't say to anyone.  You can write down a particular situation that may have upset you, what you did at the time (cry, feel angry) and how you coped (left the supermarket, went to the toilet for a break).  You can keep all these writings and in the future if you have a similar moment you can use the same strategy to help you through it.  You could start a memory book a bout your mum.  You could include stories which are happy or sad, stories from your childhood, stories your mum told you of her childhood, stories from other relatives and some of your mums friends; and lots of photos.

    If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

    Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

    There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

    This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

    This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

    Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

    Death is nothing at all.

    I have only slipped away into the next room.

    I am I and you are you.

    Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

    Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

    Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

    Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

    Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

    Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

    Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

    Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

    I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

    the corner .......

    All is well.

    Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

    David

  • I know, I'm at the same sort of stage myself. It will be a year exactly next weekend since I lost my Kathy. I can only say be kind to yourself, take time to grieve. The one thing I have learned is not to think "back to normal", but to look for a new normal.