New member - lost my dad yesterday

I lost my dad at 5:15am yesterday. I stayed all night with him at the hospital and was holding his hand in his final moments. I am broken. My mum couldn't get back to the hospital in time and he had gone before she got there. I don't know how to do this. How do I get through this?

  • Hi K8teos

    Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.

    You can take great comfort from being there with your dad when he passed and knowing that this would also have given him great comfort and made his passing more peaceful.  Everything happens for a reason and maybe your dad wanted it this way because the pain of being there when he passed would hurt your mum even more.

    We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so there are no rights or wrongs.  Don't worry about what others say about when and how you should grieve or how long it should take.  If you want to have a good cry or rant then do so - in public or at work you can pop to the toilet for five minutes and let yourself go a bit.  Talk to your dad all the time and ask him to comfort, guide and support you and he will always find a way to do so.  He will send small signs to let you know that he is there and you have to open yourself up to accept these as not just coincidences.  These could be finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv re tuning, smelling his favourite scent.  If you visit one of his favourite places such as the local park, talk to him and you may get a breath of wind on a still day or a wild bird coming exceptionally close.

    Always carry a small notebook with you and jot down all your emotions - happy, sad, angry - briefly and then you can write these down in more detail later.  You can add to this anything you thought, did or felt in order to help yourself at the time.  Keep these notes and you can use them over and over again in the future to help you if similar situations occur.  No one else needs to see these if you don't want them to. You could start a memory book about your dad which could include stories from your childhood, stories he told you of his childhood, stories from other relatives and your dads friends and lots of photos.  You may want to do this on your own or do it with family - using this method often helps everyone to be open with all their thoughts and emotions in front of each other.

    When you are at work ask if you can sit quiet in a room on your own if you need to or ask if you can speak to the HR team - they are trained to listen and offer support including signposting.  Do you have a best friend who is not a relative?  I f they are a true best friend you will be able to call them day or night, talk to them about how you feel including getting angry and cry as much as you want.  Even if they just quietly hug you it will help and you know they have listened, understood and will keep everything between the two of you.

    If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

    Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

    There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

    This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

    This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

    Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

    Death is nothing at all.

    I have only slipped away into the next room.

    I am I and you are you.

    Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

    Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

    Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

    Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

    Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

    Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

    Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

    Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

    I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

    the corner .......

    All is well.

    Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

    David

  • Hi,

    I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my wonderful Dad on 8th February to extensive Small Cell Lung Cancer, it’s been 14 weeks and 3 days. He was diagnosed in June 2021, I’m only 38.

    We were all with him in the hospital when he passed, we stayed with him for 2 days, it was very unexpected, his cancer had progressed very quickly in a short space of time and we had no clue at the time, now I look back at that time and it’s obvious.

    I cry everyday, I miss him everyday, I want to speak to him, to hear his voice and laugh, I want him back. Somehow, we are getting through it but it’s a journey. All I can say is cry, laugh, talk about him, look at photos, even if they make you cry. Talk to friends or family about how you feel. I visited him in the chapel 3 times and I don’t regret a moment. I told him I loved him and put some memories in his coffin.

    Somehow you will get through this, I believe I get through this from the strength/support of my children, my family, my husband and I get through it for my Dad. 

    Take your time with everything, do what you can and when you can, there is no time limit on grief. This forum is very supportive as we have all lost someone we love and miss everyday.

    xx 

  • So sorry for your loss I lost my dad in September & was quite quick. I agree with what Essex1 has said. Keep talking , sharing memories looking at photos. My kids help me keep going & im also close to my mum & brother. You say your mum didn’t make it back when he passed we was told at the hospice then sometimes they will pass when people are not their as don’t want them to see them like that in final moments. I was not their when my dad died my mum & brother was but I was their all night & he was mostly asleep peaceful & in the day before he died they pushed his bed outside in garden & it was lovely nice garden with pond & nice sunny day & he was sleeping, peaceful & that’s how I want to remember 

    steph x