Miss my dad so much

Hi everyone,

I'm not really sure what the point of this post is, but it's been 7 weeks since I lost my dad to stomach cancer, just under 5 months since he was diagnosed.

I miss him so much and still can't believe he is gone. Throughout the days it hits me that my dad has died, and it just doesnt seem real. How can my dad who has always been there, just suddenly be gone?

I still keep thinking about how I was with him when he passed away, and I can't get the image out of my head. It's the same with thinking about him in the chapel of rest. How could my dad who used to wall around the house and sit in his chair have been lying in a coffin.

He has been buried and I find the thought of him underground to he so distressing. I haven't visited his plot since the day after his funeral as I find it too upsetting.

I know it's a cliche but I never expected this to happen to my dad. It's one of those things you think happen to other people and not your family. I think that's why it shocks me so often that he is gone.

Plus it's Father's Day soon and it's already making me feel sad seeing all the gifts and cards in the shops, knowing that I won't have my dad this year to buy anything for.

I basically just wanted to say that I miss my dad so much and want him back. My heart will never be whole again.

  • I'm going through a very similar experience. I lost my mum just over 3 months ago. She was only diagnosed 2 months prior. She had stage 4 esophageal cancer. I get about the Chapel of rest its such an awful experience! I'm so sorry for your loss. I was joint to my mums hip and I moved out a couple of months before we found out so I have guilt. Days are so different to how I cope or don't... 

  • I never really know what to say on this forum other than I know what you're going through. I lost my dad recently to stomach cancer too and resonate with not believing they're gone. I was also with my dad when he passed and I think we have to not focus on the image but that we could be there to comfort him in his final moments.

    Your point about never expecting this would happen to us is exactly how I feel, you always hear about cancer but never think it will reach us when in reality 1 in 2 have some form of it.

    I wish you all the best and send lots of love

  • Hi Shannon,

    I'm so sorry to hear that you have lost your mum.

    The chapel of rest is such a surreal experience isn't it. I knew I would regret it if I didn't go, but also knew it would leave me with a distressing image. 

    Guilt is such a difficult emotion isn't it. I keep thinking about things that I feel guilty about, but then have to remind myself that my dad would say 'don't be so silly. You don't need to feel guilty'. I think it is a normal stage of grief (not that that makes it any easier), but I'm sure your mum was really pleased that you had started the next stage of your life, and she was there to see it.

    I know what you mean about days being different. Some days I seem to be doing okay, and I feel guilty that I am feeling okay, and then other days I just feel awful and can't believe that my dad is gone.

    I hope you are doing okay today. x

  • Hi Gladiatorspirit,

    I'm so sorry that you also lost your dad to thos awful disease. Yeah, it's hard isnt it being there for their final moments. Like you say, we need to focus on the fact that we were there with them and theybepild have felt that. It's just so hard to get the image out of my head. I was the only one in my family to be by his side as he slipped away, so no one else really appreciates how hard that was. I feel like Inhave an extra element to deal with that none of them understand.

    My dad was unconscious for his last 4 days in the hospice, but I stayed by his side. It was so hard just seeing my previously really fit dad, just lying there, knowing that any moment he would be gone.

    I'm also struggling with knowing how sad my mum is that he is gone. 

    I hope you are doing okay today, and thank you for replying to me. xx

  • So sorry for your loss I lost my dad in September started lung cancer then quickly spread & in months was gone. It’s still raw & I know what you mean about Father’s Day coming up & also for me that is when my Dad became ill. I never went to see my dad in chapel of rest nor did mum or my brother we didn’t want to have that image in our heads. But everyone is different ways they cope I go up to my dads grave often he wasn’t buried but I always feel their not there anymore if that makes sense. I talk to him all the time  & talk to mum & brother look out for signs I believe in robins, white feathers I asked him to send a Robin & I’ve seen them after I’ve asked. 

    sending you hugs xx 

  • I lost Mum 10 days ago. 

    I've tried to look on being with her when she passed as a privilege even though a deep sadness hits me in waves.

    We have had a few unusual incidents in recent days which makes me scared to cremate her. Although the decision has been made and my husband says he felt (on seeing her passed) that she had left her body anyway. So, maybe see your Dad in the clouds, or feathers or rainbows, rather than the grave?

    I agree we get comfortable and think it only happens to other people. We are, of course, kidding ourselves.  It also makes you realise your own mortality too, doesn't it?

    I've a few answerphone messages from her which I'm scared to listen too. And I can't even open her WhatsApp at the moment. One day perhaps.

    Take care I can completely understand where you are coming from.

    xx

  • Hi Suffolkgirl74,

    Thank you for replying. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing.

    That's lovely that you talk to your dad a lot. I do to. I say good morning to my picture of my dad everyday, and chat to him whilst I'm driving.

    My dad was gone just after 5 months of diagnosis, sonsouds similar to your dad. I try to take comfort in the fact that he didn't have to suffer for too long and he wouldnt have wanted to carry on with how he was in his last few weeks.

    I'm glad that you have a lovely family to support you through such a difficult time.

    Take care xx

  • Hi Kezzie100,

    I'n so sorry to hear that you lost your mum so recently.

    I agree, I too try to think that it was a privilege that I got to be with my dad right until the end, and I'm glad he wasnt on his own.

    My dad was unconscious for his last few days and the hospice thought he would go within a couple of days, but he held on for 6 days. It was so hard and I think I'm a bit traumatised by the whole experience.

    I totally understand about the answer phone messages. I knew I had some from my dad and couldn't bring myself to listen to them, but when I did go to hear them it was too late and they were gone.

    I really hope you and your family are doing okay.

    Wishing you love and hugs for the funeral. xx

  • Thanks Link. How are you doing today? I'm taking one day at a time.

    I'm with my Dad now (and husband) until the funeral so I can stay on top of arrangements without work. Family (our children and partners) are arriving at different times during the week.

    I've had a difficult day and I think the awful weather we are having isn't helping. Dad is pleased to be with us I think, and have some company. Although we will go back to his each day and do maintenance and gardening etc, things he hasn't had chance to get to in past 6 months.

    My brothers finding it hard too and told me so today. We all need to (metaphorically) hold each other. xx