I lost my sister 14 months ago to small cell lung cancer.
She was my sister and my best friend we used to speak everyday, we didn’t live in the same country but I managed to spend the last 5 weeks of her life by her side not knowing that was it 
.
She was diagnosed end of July 2020 and passed away March 2021 from the time she was diagnosed she never had a break always in so much pain, she was only 44 years old!!!
I still can’t get over the fact that she’s gone I haven’t been the same person since,I feel sad all the time I feel guilty that I think I could have done more, I feel so selfish even dough she was suffering I still wanted her here…I’m not sure how to deal with this I try to put it to the back of my mind that she’s gone but at some point during the day reality kicks in.
Hi Zelina
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your sister.
Feeling guilt through hindsight is normal when grieving - I'm sure you did everything that you could at the time. Remember you did spend the last 5 weeks with your sister and this would have given her great comfort and made her passing much more peaceful. We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so there are no rights or wrongs. Your own mind will know what is best for you and will guide you through the process. It will help you to develop coping strategies for situations so that the pain seems easier but it will always be there. As mentioned, hindsight is part of this and can cause mixed emotions thinking things that you could have done or said. Try to concentrate on the positives such as being by her side for those 5 weeks - she would have thought more of that than any things you didn't do.
When you feel something kicking in don't bottle it up even in public. If in a shop or at work you can pop to the toilet for a few minutes to compose yourself enough but remembering how you feel so you can let these emotions go fully when you get home. A great way to express your emotions is to write them down. You can keep these for future reference to see how you coped with certain situations and re use the same strategy or you can just bin them after a few days. When out and about use a notebook to just jot down some brief notes then you can expand on these later at home. Put all the notes together to create a memory book of your sister. Include stories from when your childhood, maybe stories your parents told you of their childhoods ("Back in my day ...."), stories from other relatives and friends; and lots of photos.
Remember you can talk to your sister where and when ever you want - she will always be with you and will try to support, guide and comfort you as best she can. Visit one of her favourite places such as the local park and sit there on your own talking to her. She will always find a way to respond and you have to open yourself up to accept these responses as not just coincidences. You may feel a breath of wind on a perfectly still day, find an unexpected white feather, radio / tv may re tune, you may smell your sisters favourite perfume. Tell her exactly how you feel about everything, even use the language you may have used as young children, and ask her to make you feel comforted. Even little things matter - you could mention how lovely certain flowers are (plant some of her favourites in your garden) or watching something old on tv you could just say "Hey sis, remember watching this with mum and dad on a Saturday night with a cuppa?" She will let you know she is also watching and enjoying it - just open yourself to accept anything she sends.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
