Feeling sad and scared

Hi Link103

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your dad.

What you are experiencing are normal signs of grief.  We all grieve in different ways and at different speeds so there are no rights or wrongs.  You will always have highs and lows but over time you will develop coping strategies so that triggers do not cause as much upset. This is especially the case during the first year as you have all the first anniversaries.  Remember that your dad will always be around you and will try to support, guide and comfort you as best he can.

Do you have a best friend who is not family who can support you?  If they are a true best friend they will let you call anytime, let you talk / cry as much as you want and comfort you even if it is just silently giving you a hug.  If you are at work do they have a personnel team?  Professional HR people have training which includes offering support and knowing what and where other organisations are available.  Talk to your manager and ask them to let you have time to see HR or to be allowed to sit in a quiet room for a little while.

Talk to your dad when and where ever you want.  Even little things like "What a lovely sunny day it is"  Your dad will always find a way to respond to you - you have to open yourself to accept these responses and not just think of them as coincidences.  If you visit one of his favourite places such as the local park you may feel a breath of wind on a perfectly still day.  If you are indoors you may find a white feather when there is no other reason for it, radio / tv may retune, you may small his favourite deodorant or find something that seemed lost years ago.  You will know the difference between a coincidence and it being a sign from your dad.  Tell him exactly how you feel such as sadness, anger, scared.  Ask him for a sign to make you feel comforted and he will always try his best to support you.

You have all those memories in your mind.  A great way to express emotions is to write them down.  So, you can combine them both and write a memory book about your dad.  You can do this alone and no one else needs to see it or you can have as many people as you wish.  Include stories which are happy but also sad ones to give a balance picture.  You can record what things trigger your emotions and what you did to cope with the situation - you can look back in a few years if the same (or a similar) trigger occurs and use the same coping strategy.  Include memories from your childhood, stories your dad told you of his childhood, stories from other relatives and any of your dads friends, and lots of photos.  Doing this will help you to face somethings you may be unconsciously blocking and get your emotions out into the open.

For your mum, it may be an idea to try to write down exactly what symptoms she has - is the pain stabbing or dull, does it come from sitting / lying in a certain way, does it come after a particular food or when your mum is hungry / thirsty?  It is possible that a nerve ending was damaged when they removed her gall bladder and it just twinges at certain times.  There is no harm in getting this fully checked out if possible especially if you explain about you dad and your concerns rather than just that your mum gets a pain.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

Hi link103,

sending you support and strength I am sorry we have to feel this way.It really is unfair isn’t it?

I am over 12 weeks without my precious Dad now and even though this week I feel I have coped better in general or before this week like you my grief seemed to get worse,you are right I think it’s like bot by bot it slowly sinks in and reality starts to hit.Loosing your precious Dad only 4 weeks ago must still be so new and raw.

I think the little memories are so important as much as the big ones like the way in which your dad ate an orange it helps us remember who they were and them as a person .I often think about the trivial memories but that helps me remember my dad life and personality.

With regards to your wonderful Mom I would try to not worry as much this is probably a normal part of your grief the pain and loss that you never want to feel again.

When I lost my mom over 6 years ago I felt the exact way about my Dad if he had a cold in my head I blew it out of proportion and thought I would loose him to that.Unfortunately whenever he was Poorly in those 6 years I would feel this way so unfortunately your worries may continue but I just want you to know I think that’s normal.

However I really would encourage you to keep pushing her back to Drs  a “probably just “ with no further test or explanation is not enough reassurance perhaps get another drs second opinion even if it’s just scar tissue won’t hurt asking a Dr again .

You are not alone Sending Strength

Hi DaveyBo,

Thank you for your comforting words.

I talk to my friends a lot and also my work colleagues/friends. They have all been really supportive.

I also have a therapist who I talk to which is really helpful. I'm struggling with feelings of guilt over some things as well, like how I should have gone on more bike rides with my dad.

Thank you for your suggestion of writing things down. I've bought a box to write done my memories of my dad on little cards, and also a bigger box to put my keepsakes of my dad.

I keep trying to focus on the face that I was so lucky to have had such an amazing dad, even though he was taken too soon.

Thank you again for your response.

Hi ShineBright,

I'm so sorry that you have lost your dad as well. As you say, it really is unfair.

I know it's a cliche, but it's one of those things that you expect to happen to other people and not yourself.

I'm worried that I will gradually forget his voice and mannerisms, and that him being gone will be the new normal.

Thank you for the advice about my mum. I will try and get her to go back and see a different doctor. In just so scared about having to go through everything again. X

Hi Link103,

You won’t forget his voice or mannerisms,When you described your dad eating the orange those type of memories are stored they make his mannerisms.

I remember every memory of my mom ,her voice , her ways I even know what she would say/do to me now. I still dream about her six years on I really don’t think memories fade.

you will never loose the love you had for your Dad,the memories you shared .

xxx