Constant feeling of sadness

Morning Essex1 ,

My thoughts are with you,Sending you strength, I wish I could offer you words of advice but I am afraid I have none.

I can understand how emotional you must feel with a celebration coming up, I am sure your dad would want you to celebrate your daughters birthday even though I’m sure it will be tough for you all.Perhaps a little remembrance on the day to your Dad as well? It may make you feel he is included in the day.Let of a balloon perhaps.

I have been struggling this week end going through the ‘disbelief’ that he is gone again.I feel empty and alone.

I am 40 and have two teenage boys who meant the world to my Dad.

I am sorry we have to feel like this ,  life seems so unfair.You are not alone .

Hi Shinebright,

Thank you for your kind words and I am also very sorry for your loss.

You are right, nobody should have to feel like this and go through any loss, it’s a cruel disease also. 

I hope you can find comfort one day but it’s very hard isn’t it x 

Hi Essex1

this is exactly how I’m feeling at the moment, really struggling today. I lost my mum in March she was 67. I turned 40 two weeks ago and the first celebration without her was really tough, in fact i cancelled all the plans couldn’t face celebrating without her. My mum was like a second mum to my children and they idolised her. It’s gone from everything being happy to not knowing how to carry on with life. I cried myself to sleep last night again. You see people on Facebook etc with pictures of happy events they did at Easter and I think why am I suffering like this, what did we do to deserve this. I feel sorry for my children as I should be doing things with them during the Easter break and feel they have missed out but everyday I wake with a headache and feel dizzy and sick I just can’t face doing things. I know mum would want me to carry on in fact she told me that in hospital but like you I just don’t know how too. 
Hope you are feeling okay. 

Hi Bracken03,

I am genuinely so sorry for your loss. It is so hard isn’t it, I keep thinking this time last year our lives were normal, fast forward a year and our hearts have been ripped out. My Dad was only diagnosed in June 2021.

How are your children doing? 

Celebrations will be so hard, my husband lost his Mum when he was 19 years old and he said to me the first of everything, birthdays, Xmas, Fathers/Mothers Day are tough but how can anything be the same without our parents there? I can’t see it yet and to be honest, I don’t want to move forward without my Dad. Somehow we manage to get through everyday and I do tell myself my Dad would want us to celebrate my daughter’s 13th birthday, he was such a proud Grandad. 

I hope you can have better days, I understand how you feel and it is hard to pull yourself out of the sadness and just get on with things.

xx 

Hi Essex1,

I know we've had a few chats on here and you ate always so supportive of everyone, so I really wanted to reply to you.

As others have said, your dad would still want you to celebrate your daughter's birthday, but I know how hard it is without your dad there.

I found Easter really hard, as even though we were having a nice family day, I just felt so sad and empty that my dad wasnt there.

I took my mum to a flower festival at the weekend and I felt sad and guilty as I knew my dad would have loved it, but then I tried to think that he would have been so happy that my mum was having a nice day out, which I'm sure your dad will be looking down at you at your daughter's birthday celebrations and thinking the same.

I keep thinking how hard all these special days will be, like fathers day, his birthday and christmas. I guess all we can do is remember how lucky we were to have had such special memories with them and honour that.

I'm starting to feel angry lately. I dont understand how cancer could have taken my otherwise healthy dad so quickly. I just want him back. x

Hi,

Thank you for your kind words.

You are right, I know for certain my Dad would want us to celebrate my daughter becoming a teenager but it’s so cruel he isn’t here to celebrate and witness it in person but I’m sure he will be there. I just wish I could turn back time.

I hope you and your Mum are doing OK, or as well as can be and I hope the flower festival was a distraction, even if it was for a short amount of time.

I too have angry days, my emotions have been all over the place. It’s 11 weeks tomorrow that we lost him and it feels like so long ago it all happened and we said goodbye to him, but yet at the same time it only feels like yesterday. I just want him back.

Like you say with being angry, no matter how it would have happened, my Dad had an aggressive cancer but I think because he declined so quickly, it angers me more but in reality I’d be angry regardless even if we still had him for another 5 years, can’t win really. 

Thank you for your reply. I hope we can all have better days. 

I know what you mean about time passing. It's 4 weeks today that my dad left us. I can't believe a whole month has passed as it doesn't seem that long, but on the other hand, it does seem quite a whole ago that I was in the hospice with him.

I think we were both quite similar in our situations of our dad's declining so quickly. I don't know about you, but I had no idea it could progress so quickly. I just thought we would bave more warning  and I'm so angry that none of the doctors warned us that could happen.

Also my dad's GP was useless. When my dad started rapidly declining he assured me that all of my dad's symptoms were his existing conditions (arthritis) and side effects of the chemo, even though I told him that the hospice community nurses said it was all due to the cancer. I asked him if he thought my dad only had a few weeks left, and he was quite patronising and asked why I thought that and said we werent there yet. Less than 4 weeks later and my dad passed away.

I was actually feeling better over the weekend because I had a nice day with my mum and then saw one of my best friends for the first time since november (I haven't really been seeing anyone as I didn't want to risk catching anything and passing it to my dad), but after work yesterday I had a tearful breakdown looking at photos of my dad. I still can't believe he is gone. It doesn't seem real or possible.

I don't know if it's the same for you, but I assume it probably is, is that my parents are such a comfort, and if I'm having a bad time at work or anything, I think of them and things feel okay. But now the thing I need comforting about is the fact that my dad is gone, and my source of comfort is gone. Not sure if that makes sense.

I also find myself feeling angry when I see old people in the street as I think 'why have they got to stay so long but my dad didn't'?. Which I then feel guilty about.

Sorry, that was a bit of a rambly reply.

How are you feeling today? How is your mum doing? x

Hi,

I think our experiences are very similar. Like your Dad, the decline was rapid. My dad had an appointment with his Oncologist 8 days before he went into hospital (on his birthday) and my Dad being my Dad told him at his appointment to carry on blasting him with chemo, which he agreed to and had his treatment booked but the Oncologist wanted to get home care involved and told my Mum and Dad that he would be feeling terrible due to his radiotherapy and chemotherapy, so the shock that he was gone 11 days later is still so hard to grasp.
His last month to a few weeks were very hard for him, he stopped eating, drinking, he was exhausted, lost so much weight and was becoming very jaundice but I still was so naive and just thought his treatment was really gruelling. My Dad would have carried on with treatment for as long as possible for us and my Mum finds it hard to accept that he went through all of that for us, but I said he did what any parent/husband/grandad etc would have done, I have 3 children and would have done exactly the same. Sadly, we look back now and just wish we could have made him comfortable but we all honestly didn’t know what was about to happen and like yourself, had no warning. 

I know what you mean about going out and about, it’s a distraction isn’t it and then I think when you get home, the reality hits again and if you have had a nice time, the guilt sets in. I have a couple of friends that I have known for a long time, one of those friends practically lived at our house growing up, came on the family holidays and she barely contacted me when my Dad was ill, which did and didn’t surprise me. I spoke and told her about my Dad about 1 month after he passed and I haven’t had any contact from her since then. I don’t expect sympathy and I know some people don’t know what to say but the last 7 months have made me realise that family (personally for me) have been there all the way. I’m not in the mood to hear from “friends” to see how we are all doing now when I genuinely don’t believe they care!

I’ve always found comfort being with my parents. If I’m at their house, everything will be OK. My parents are like my best friends and I said to my Mum, although he was my Dad, we’ve lost a Dad, a friend, Husband, Grandad, Brother, Uncle etc and I’m grieving for my children also because they all idolised each other, he was such a proud man when his family were around him and they adored him.

I look at people in the street all the time and old people and think the same. Without that sounding really harsh but I’m jealous and sad my Dad didn’t get to that age and I won’t know what he will look like as a old man. 

I’m taking Mum out today, only for a bit of shopping but her days are so long, she is so lost at the moment as I’m sure your Mum is also. I just don’t understand how much our lives can change in an instant and wonder what I ever had to moan about. 

I hope today can be a better day for you all. Xx 

Hi,

I think the fact that both of our dads had more treatment scheduled and were wanting to carry on, makes the sudden loss so much more of a shock and unfair.

My dad had chemo booked in until May or June  so I thought he would be around until at least then.

My dad kept talking about his next chemo appointment whilst he was in the hospice. It makes me feel so sad as he must have thought he had more time and wanted to carry on fighting.

I also have the same thoughts of 'did I push my dad into having more chemo, when all it did was make him worse and didnt seem to do any good'. But my friend said to me that I couldn't think like that, and that anyone would have wanted their loved one to try and prolong their time. I asked the dr at the hospice if the chemo night gave made him worse, but she said he might have gone downhill a couple of weeks earlier if he hadnt had it. I cant help but wonder if she only said that to make me feel better though.

I'm sorry to hear that you bavent had much support from your friends. As you say, maybe they dont knowhow to be supportive. At least you have this forum to chat to people for support.

Did your dad ever get hospice care? I know that the hospice my dad was in arrange events for bereaved families, which might be a comforting thing to attend.

I know what you mean about grieving for your children's loss as well. I find in grieving for my mum's loss a lot of the time as I feel so sad thinking of her without my dad.

How was your day out with your mum. I really hope you managed to have some nice moments and some laughter as well. x

Your friend is right, you can’t think like that, we have guilt like you with regarding a to chemo, should we have spoken to him more and allowed him to be more honest with us about how unwell he was feeling and just let him be comfortable.

My Dad never wanted hospice care through his treatment journey, but on his last appointment with the Oncologist, he got them involved but it was only 11 days later my Dad was gone. I think the team were even shocked how much my Dad had declined from the last time they saw him. It’s a shame we couldn’t get him a bed at home but he wouldn’t have been able to tolerate the journey home from the hospital.

Today was OK, Mum wasn’t too bad, my 6 month old keeps her busy when I’m there at the moment  she just misses him so much, as we all do and like yourself and your Mum. How is your Mum dealing with talking to others at the moment? My Mum cries whenever she speaks to someone about my Dad. 

x