Hi x I posted similar to this in the New to the Community page, but it's probably more apt for this group:-
I joined this community as I lost my lovely mum 2 weeks ago to Bowel Cancer. She was my rock, best friend and always the first person I would turn too for anything. She was so proud of her family x She came home on 7th February and with some help I nursed her until she left us ... hardest thing but also the best thing I could have done for her. Was with her almost to the end, went and had a cup of tea and she left us at that moment, which I feel guilty about. Maybe she knew and didn't want me to experience it, who knows.
But I am also feeling so numb and flat, why is that? Before all this happened, the thought of losing mum would be unbearable, so where are the floods of tears? Don't get me wrong I am heartbroken, life is cruel and this should never have happened, but I feel as if my emotions have gone walkabout. I feel when people see me and they ask if I'm OK and I say "surprisingly yes" I get a look! Are they wondering why I'm not in a bucket somewhere, is she heartless ... I know I'm totally over analysing myself. I can't sleep as I think I'm still on night watch, I'm not interested in anything, I just feel empty. Cancer sucks and as a lot of you know watching someone you love deteriorate in front if you is just the worst, maybe it's a way of blocking it out. I don't know.
I suppose I just need to know that this is OK. I'm not a freak, I'm not heartless, this is normal.
Sending love to all of you that have lost a loved one xx
Hi Pink Elephant,
I'm very much the same. Losing my mum was a recurring nightmare as a child that would upset me. As an adult, just the thought of losing her would have me sobbing, as would hearing about someone else's mum passing away. It was literally my worst nightmare. So when it came true (a few weeks ago) I braced myself for the breakdown....but its not come yet.
Don't get me wrong I've had many tears but nothing like I expected! I strongly believe that I did a lot of the grieving during the 5 months since her diagnosis (watching her deteriorate was torture!) so I'm wondering if that played a part. Or maybe it still hasn't sunk in properly??
I think it is normal. Whether its due to shock, disbelief, survival mode, anticipation grief or just the brain not really having a clue how to deal with something so traumatic, I'm not sure.
We've been through something awful so I don't think we need to add any more guilt to our shoulders about not grieving how we think we should. I like to think that our mums would be proud that we're coping as well as we possibly can 
Hi Lifesucks So sorry for your loss, sounds like it's a very similar time and experience to my mum, only 3 weeks today for us. I think you're right in respect of anticipation grief etc. Watching someone you love deteriorate like that is hell x And then it's awful to say but there is a sense of relief that they are no longer in such pain.
Even though I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone, to know there are people who understand and are feeling the same, is a comfort. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply 
I hope knowing we feel the same also helps you x
Also I think you're right, our mums would be so proud 
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It certainly is a comfort 
you're right, we wouldn't wish this on anyone but it really does help to know that others are experiencing the same. Going through the whole ordeal since her diagnosis, its felt oddly lonely. Friends and family have been amazing throughout, but then they (naturally) go back to their lives and their worlds....when ours has just exploded!
I have found these forums a comfort throughout the experience. Upsetting at times, of course, but always good to know that at any time of the day or night, I can come on here and see that there are other people out there feeling the same pain and loss.
And I'm the same with feeling relieved at the end. I didn't want to lose my mum, but in a way, I'd already lost her at that point. I know she was scared about the end and wanted it to be as quick and as pain-free as possible, so the last stage where she seemed so unhappy and everything was a struggle would have been torture for her. We never want to see people we love suffer like that, so it really is a relief to know that they've left their damaged, painful bodies and are at peace. I felt guilty for feeling that way too, but I know that she would have wanted out desperately.
I hope you're doing ok and have lots of support around you. And I hope you have plans to look forward to that your mum would love to watch you enjoy. That's what I'm trying to do. She told me I had to live my life and that she'd be with me so that's what I intend to do 
Hi Lifesucks sorry not replied before really struggling at the moment 
thank you for your kind words it means so much that you take the time to reply x as you say it is a comfort to know they're at peace and not suffering, but oh my gosh I'm missing her so much. I think the realisation that I'll never see, speak or hug her again is starting to dawn on me, which is a bit strange 
I know she's gone but because everything was such a whirlwind and things are starting to settle down, it's only just entering my thoughts.
I am lucky that I do have my husband and children around and some amazing friends for support, and some of them do understand as been through something similar, but it doesn't stop you feeling lonely in your grief.
But as you say plans need to be set, one thing this has taught me is if there's something you want to do then if you can then go for it. Doing Race for Life in June for mum, so doing Couch to 5k andthat's my goal at the moment ️ I hope your plans come together and you enjoy every second with your mum with you at your shoulder cheering you on x Take care and sending hugs x
Hi C82 so sorry for your loss, sounds like your mum was a fighter to have battled for 20 years! Your strength would have grown whilst you nursed your mum to get you ready to say goodbye x I know the experience of nursing my mum has changed me, I hope, for the better and gave me strength I never knew I had.
The only positive thing I can say about cancer, and I know this doesn't relate to everyone, but if you nurse a parent, however horrendous it might be, you get to say goodbye and hopefully say all you need to say x that's what helps me and knowing that I have grown as a person and am stronger than I ever thought.
The best thing we can do is let them go and be free from pain. She'd be really proud of you and her legacy is a great one ️
