Has anyone experienced delayed grief? My dad died in December 2019 after a 9 year battle against non Hodgkin lymphoma. I threw myself into sorting his estate to help mum and keep busy. My husband says he can’t remember me actually stopping to have a cry.
A couple of days after my dads funeral, my husbands grandad was diagnosed with cancer and he died a few weeks later. A few months after that, my husbands father was diagnosed with lung cancer and survived for only 6 months.
I’ve recently been suffering panic attacks, and today I can’t stop crying. I think it’s finally hit me that my dad is gone and I’ll never see him again. Has anyone ever experienced delayed grief? How did you process your feelings? I feel a bit lost.
I’ve contacted my gp and hope they can arrange some counselling and I’m using meditation to help with anxiety meantime.
Hi NHLdot
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the losses you have gone through.
Yes, we all grieve at our own speed and in our own way so there are no rights or wrongs. It is quite possible that you are having delayed grief because you gave yourself so much to do physically and mentally with helping others. Remember that your dad will always be around you and will try to support, guide and comfort you as best he can. You can talk to him when and where ever you want even mentioning little things such as "Insert name of his favourite football team won today against ???" ie Liverpool won against Chelsea. it is simple but he will know that you are still thinking of him and keeping him up to date with everything.
You could try visiting one of his favourite places on your own and talk to him there. You have to open yourself up to accept any response he may send. This could be a breath of wind on a still day, seeing an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning to his favourite or finding something that you thought was lost years ago. Ask your dad to help ease your mind especially when having a panic attack - ask him to be there with you and to hold your hand or put his arm around you. You will also have to grieve for your husbands family as well so this is a lot to take on. When you show signs of grieving let your husband know that some of it is for his family as well. Does he openly grieve for his losses? If not maybe he should so that you can both grieve together without any feelings of guilt.
Writing is a great way of expressing your emotions. You could do this alone and just write what you feel then destroy it without anyone seeing it. You could work with your husband and write either one or two memory books on your families. Include stories that are happy and some sad ones also. Include stories from your own childhoods, stories from your parents and grandparents childhood, stories from other family members or friends of your respective loved ones. Also, include lots of photos of people, places that were visited or where they lived when they were younger. If you have a bad day write down what may have been a trigger, how you coped and then you can use this same coping strategy again. Always carry a notepad with you so you can jot down a few notes of feelings during the day whether at work or out shopping etc. Where ever you are neither should withhold your emotions - if you need to pop to the toilet in a supermarket for a quiet 5 minutes then do so.
You could try looking here for some further help - remember though that these are general help sites and not specific to you. Some may even be rubbish but you will spot this within a few minutes of reading.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
