It's been almost 3 months

Hi,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum. I lost my Dad in February. He had extensive Small Cell Lung Cancer which had spread to his liver and spine. He really struggled his last few weeks, breathless, weak, thin, no appetite, it was cruel. We were with him when he passed, sadly we couldn’t bring him home so he was in hospital but it was brutal watching him suffer the way he did. He declined quite quickly and it was shocking. 

What do you feel guilty about? Do you have any family around you? 

All we are doing is one day at a time. Have you considered Bereavement Counselling at all?  

I know it’s hard putting on a brave face everyday but don’t be sard on yourself xx 

Hi there Essex1,

Thank you for your reply.

Mum had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and then Sepsis, She didn't even reach Chemo stage due to the sepsis being so severe

I just feel so guilty that I couldn't help take the pain away  

Hi,

I know, it’s hard to not think of all the negative at the moment, I’m the same. I ask myself all the time “did we do enough for him” and the brutalness of this disease really makes me angry.
For the first time in my life I have said, I would not wish this on anybody. 

I’m sorry you feel that way but please don’t beat yourself up. I’m sure your Mum wouldn’t want you feeling that way and I’m sure she is proud of you.

xx

Hi Itsallaboutyou (McFly fan?)

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Injnderatand what upi are going through. My dad passed away last week after being diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer in November.

He had chemo booked until May so I thought we would have him with us until at least then, but at the start of March he suddenly went downhill so rapidly and ended up in a hospice, and we were told that he only had a few days left.

I have had no precious experience of cancer and couldn't believe it could suddenly cause such a rapid decline. I thought we would have had more time to prepare. But I try to think of the positive of at least he didn't have to suffer for too long, although it is hard.

I too was with my dad as he took his last breaths, and it was only myself in the family who witnessed this. I'm struggling with it as no one else appreciates how hard that was. My brother just tells me it was 'my choice' to be there, which yes it was because I didnt want my dad to be alone, but I would like him to try and understand that I am carrying an extra trauma that no one else is.

I too keep thinking about his last breath and being with his body for 3 hours after he passed, and I find the images difficult. Luckily my dad slipped away peacefully, so I cant imagine how hard it is for you witnessing your mum struggling for breath. I see a therapist and she says it could cause PTSD. Have you considered therapy to help you through what you're feeling?

Did your mum has hospice care at all, either in the community or the hospice itself, as I believe that they offer bereavment counselling for families.

I understand the guilt as on my dad's last day of consciousness we were told that he couldnt drink anything as he wasnt strong enough. But he was so desperate for a drink and I was feeding him little bits via a straw. He was getting so frustrated as he was so thirsty, and told me I was going to kill him if I didn't give him a drink and that I was teasing him. He also told my brother that he couldnt love him otherwise he would give him a drink. It was so heart breaking that o couldnt give him the one thing that he wanted, and I can't stop thinking about it. In fact, I felt thirsty yesterday and had a drink, and it made me feel so guilty that my dad couldn't have his thirst quenched that day. But then, he wouldn't want me to feel guilty, and if he had have been feeling well that day, he wouldn't have said those things.

When I tell people that I am struggling with having witnessed his last breaths, they tell me that he would have felt me there (even though he was unconscious), which does bring me some comfort. I hope it does for you too, as you have been amazing being there for your mum right to the end, even though it was so hard.

Your mum wasnt her last breaths or her struggle with cancer, she was the amazing woman who raised you and you had a wonderful relationship with. Try and focus on your happy memories before cancer (I know its blooming hard and as I type it I know I struggle to do this a lot of the time), but hopefully with time, when you think about your mum you will remember the real her and not her battle with cancer.

I try to think that my dad's strength that he passed on to me will get me through his loss, and that brings me some comfort.

Your mum and my dad will never truly be gone. We are part of them and they are always with us.

We're all here if you need to talk or need advice.

It's sad that so many of us have lost someone to this awful disease, but comforting also that we all know what each other are going through. xxxxx