Help!

Hi Harg

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your sister.

You can take great comfort from being with her most days and also knowing that this would have given her great comfort also.  She knew that her passing would be upsetting but she also knew that if you with her at the time it would be much more painful for you which is why she passed during the night to save you that extra hurt.

Remember that your sister will always be around you and you can talk to her when and where ever you want and she will always try to find a way to let you know that she is there listening.  You can mention little trivial things such as the weather or sit and chat away for ages telling her exactly how you feel and remembering lots of your childhood together.  She will try to send a sign to let you know she is near.  This sign could be anything from finding a white feather unexpectedly, radio / tv retuning, smelling her favourite perfume or finding a long lost item.  When chatting to her in your normal way try remembering some of the things you did when you were little and maybe a few days later you will see or hear something to remind you of a favourite toy or game.

You could try writing your emotions and memories down.  This is a great way to express your emotions which no one else needs to see and you can be as open as you wish.  You could also do it with other family members and friends of your sister and include lots of photos.  We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so there are no rights or wrongs.  If you are in a supermarket you can pop to the toilet for a quick cry if you need to.  Carry a notebook and jot down any memories and emotions you feel - include happy and sad ones.  You can expand on these when you get home.  You can keep these writings for a short or long time and look back on them not only as memories but you will see how you managed to cope with your emotions and you can use the same method again in the future.  Your own mind will guide you and will help you to develop strategies for coping.  The pain never goes away but it feels easier as you learn these coping strategies.  You have to open yourself up to be aware of any signs from your sister and allow your own mind to develop your coping strategies.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

Your words make perfect sense. I just can't believe I'm in a world where she is not. I'm trying to be strong for my parents who are not well themselves and have lost their baby.

She's the youngest. It shouldn't be this way.

I'm scared this pain will never end.

Hi Harv,

I completely understand and sometimes you just have to sit with your grief and your lovely memories. You are coping with too much… call Macmillan for extra support.

my dad and best friend died last year and my husband now has stage 4 advanced metastatic prostate cancer… I talk to them all the time which helps me greatly… 

sending you a warm cuddle and much love.

louli x

Thank you, David.  I am new, here.  While overwhelmed by anguish, despair at medical oversights and missteps that cost my mom's life, I found a touch of hope in your response to Harg.  Like Harg, I was not there for my mom in her time of pain, need, distress.  The facility would not allow me to stay at night.