Hi,
I have lost both parents to cancer 3 years apart. I am struggling with the feeling of loneliness at times. Just with simple things like going to them for advice and them not being there can be so tough. We were very close, just not talking to them everyday. Mum not coming with me to my horse or dad helping with my car.
Hi Cate
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and dad.
They will always be around you and will try to guide, support and comfort you as best they can. Whenever and where ever you want talk to them, even small things like mentioning the weather. When visiting your horse ask your mum to come with you. When you need help with your car ask your dad to do so. You have to open yourself to be peaceful and accept any signs they will send. You may think you have a fault with part of your car but then at the garage tell them it is something else - this will be your dads influence. When visiting your horse ask your mum to help with the care you give the horse - it will show signs that it is aware of your mums presence. At home, you may smell a familiar scent used by your mum or dad, radio / tv may retune themselves to a different programme, you may find a white feather when there shouldn't be one there or a long lost item belonging to one or both of them. Some people may not notice these things, others think they are coincidence but if you open yourself fully you will recognise signs from your mum and dad. Did they have a favourite place such as the local park, if so, visit them there and you may feel a strong presence especially if you sit on their favourite bench.
You could start a memory book about both of them. You can include stories from your own childhood, stories they told you of their childhoods, stories from other relatives and any of their friends, and lots of photos. You can do this alone or with anyone you wish. Writing is a great way to express your emotions and no one else needs to see them if you don't want them to. Even if in a supermarket or at work you can easily jot down a few points that will enable you to expand on them later at home. You can keep what you write to keep memories alive but also note how you go through a bad day. In the future if you have a bad day, read your writings and use the same coping strategy.
We all grieve in our own way and at our won speed so there are no rights wrongs. The only thing is not to bottle up your feelings. Whenever you are out such as at work or supermarket you can always pop to the toilet and have a cry or just write exactly how you feel and use this later for your book. When sitting quietly (no tv or mobile) talking to your mum and dad tell them exactly how you are feeling and ask them to comfort you. Open yourself up to feel any calmness they will send to let you know they are there.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
