I lost my 70 year old mum to bowel cancer towards the end of last year. She was diagnosed just over two years ago now. She had a successful operation to remove the tumour and a large number of cancerous lymph nodes. She was ok for several months, but we then found out it had spread to her liver. She tried various forms of chemo, which didn’t have much effect, but she was carrying on mostly as normal until August last year when we found it had spread to her brain. From then on she went downhill rapidly and also became more bad tempered with me and my dad.
She didn’t tell me when she got the terminal diagnosis a couple of months later and asked my dad not to either, as she knew how upset I would be and I think still held out hope for more treatment/a further operation even though she had been told the chemo was now doing more harm than good. I only found out about the terminal diagnosis when a hospice nurse turned up at the house. Then my mum did not seem to understand why I was so upset even though she had kept the truth from me for this reason.
Shortly after this she was taken into hospital for low sodium levels and from there was moved into a local care home. She was unable to go into the hospice at this point as she was expected to live up to 12 weeks. She wanted to come home , but even with carers my dad (83 with MS) and I felt we would struggle to manage for this length of time. In the end she only lived a further week, but we were given a much longer timescale. She was very upset with us putting her in there, saying we were doing what was best for us, other people’s families bring them home, the care home/other relatives didn’t care etc, although she later said she agreed it wouldn’t have been the right thing for her to come home. I worry she thought we were letting her down by not bringing her home, although my dad believes she knew we would have struggled to cope. It later turned out that a home care package could not be sourced anyway, but mum did not know this.
I realise that some of the personality changes were due to the brain tumour/steroids, but it was the growing liver tumours that hastened her death (one was blocking her bile duct). What is really bothering me is that I am unsure how much of the unkind things she said were down to the tumours/treatment and how much she actually meant. I try to think back to when she was first diagnosed and seemed a lot more positive and the personality changes did start with the brain tumour, but I would like to hear from others who have been through the same thing.
Hi Poppy05 welcome to the forum and I am so sorry that you have not had a reply as yet. That sounds like it was a horrible and stressful time for you and your Dad. However, it does sound like you did all that you could for your Mum in the most difficult of circumstances and despite how she changed, I think in her heart she also knew that.
I think the question you could ask- is was that type of behaviour/response out of character for your mum? If it was, then that's the answer, it was most definetely the illness and is something that often happens when the brain is involved. People do and say things that they are totally unaware of doing and if they were well they would never respond as they do. Also people taking steroids can have personality changes as well.
Im not sure if that is of any help for you? But Im sending some huge big hugs your way for now and be kind to yourself. xx
gail
