Recent loss

Hi Washerwoman

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your husband.

Yes this is perfectly normal because we all grieve in our own way and at our own speed.  There are no rights or wrongs and certainly no time limits on the grieving process so don't worry if anyone says that you shouldn't do this or you should be okay by now. They may not have been through the same thing and if they have we are all different so we react differently. When you have had a regular routine for many years it is very hard to come to terms with any change.  You will often have these bad days but gradually your mind will help you to create coping strategies so that you cope easier and the these type of days will get fewer and further between.  Your mind needs time to process everything which is why you feel so numb and can't motivate yourself.

You could start by trying small things such as talking to your husband whenever and wherever you want to and open yourself for any response he sends.  He will always be near you and will try to guide, support and comfort you as best he can.  The sign could be finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning, finding something that seemed lost years ago.  Just mention small things such as the weather turning windy.  If you are not sure about something ask him and he will somehow find a way to get a message to you - this is why we wake up with answers to problems because we have had a message.  Visit one of his favourite places such as the local park and talk to him there.  The response could be a breath of wind on a still day or a wild bird coming extremely close.

Did he have a favourite flower?  Could you plant some in the garden or have as a house plant. Yes, it will always be there to remind you which could be hurtful, but eventually you will look and smile at happy memories of places you were when you seen the flower.  Maybe, on your own or with family, you could start a memory book about your husband.  Include stories from your life together, stories he told you about his childhood, stories from relatives and some of his friends, and lots of photos.  Writing is a great to express your emotions because you can say exactly how you feel.  Sometimes it is hard to say what you truly mean when talking to someone so this is the best way.  You don't even need to involve anyone else and you may even destroy it soon afterwards but the process of writing it will help tremendously.  Never hide your emotions, even in a supermarket you can pop to the toilet, have a quiet cry and make a few notes for your memory book, then carry on shopping.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.