Just before Christmas my dad went into A&E as he’d been feeling run down and had pain in his side (which he previously went to the hospital for who told him it was skeletal and just to rest) he eventually got diagnosed with primary liver cancer which had spread to his lungs, lymph nodes in stomach and bone in the back.
At the time when we got the news I knew it was never going to be a good sign given the cancer had spread but I had really hoped there could be something to prolong life.
In January my Dad got the news that the cancer was terminal and ultimately he had months left to live. He was in hospital for a few weeks but eventually was able to come home, it was a shock: he went into hospital being able to walk, yes he was in pain but he could still do many of his day to day activities but when he came out he seems very frail and unable to walk but also determined to make the most of the time he had left.
we had a couple of weeks of what I would say good quality time but my dad rapidly declined in the last week of his life, it was horrible- seeing him in so much pain and not being able to do anything. The district nurses tried their best to manage the pain but with it developing into bone cancer in his back it was really hard- any slight movement he would be in agony.
The day before he died things were horrendous, he was being sick and in massive amounts of pain, not able to move. The nurses were trying their best to get him more pain management. Eventually we managed to get him fast tracked into a hospice, my mum went with him to the hospice.
When she spoke to the doctor, the doctor was really concerned on how rapidly he had deteriorated and he suggested it may only be days or weeks left. A couple of hours later we got the call that ultimately everyone dreads, my dad had rapidly declined and we needed to come in.
We went into the hospice and my dad was unconscious, very loud laboured breathing he had the ‘death rattle’. We were all so upset, we tried to be there for my dad as best we could, I’m not sure if he could hear me at this point but I told him “it’s ok to let go, we love you and will miss you so much but we will be ok”, I heard that it’s important to tell people they can let go when the time is right. Within 25 minutes of us being there- my dad breathed his left breath and just like that he was gone. My immediate family with me were all in the room when it happened. He only lasted 3 weeks from the diagnosis- we were in absolute shock.
It’s been nearly 3 weeks now without him and it feels like it doesn’t get that much easier, I’m back at work now but will still have moments where I want to burst into tears. My Dad was my best friend, who always liked to joke and would always be there, any issues we had (he was very handy especially with DIY) he would always be there, it’s hard to get on with life knowing that I can’t call him up or see him, or ask for his advice. I feel sad and angry that his life has been cut short- we only lost my grandma 4 years ago so how can this happen now when my dad should have plenty of life left, only in September we all went out bowling for my birthday and things were normal- It just seems like a bad dream. My dad went from being a healthy 60 year old to just rapidly deteriorating to just not being here in the space of a couple of months. He will never get to experience having grandkids, which I know he was looking forward to. He said walking me down the aisle at my wedding was one of the proudest and best days of his life.
I also feel angry that he worked hard all his life, he retired 1 1/2 years ago to enjoy life and then covid hit, what should have been him enjoying his retirement, visiting places became being stuck in the house not able to see people. He was one of those people that was a good person through and through and ultimately as with so many that get cancer - didn’t deserve the cruel fate life threw at him at the end.
I posted on here to share my story really as a way of really me still trying to process but figured it may help to chat with people who have gone through a similar thing.
