I lost my beloved aunty to throat cancer.

Hi Doris

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your aunty.

We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so there are no rights or wrongs.  Your uncle is very upset and angry and takes it out on those closest to him.  In your case the struggling is that you have not fully accepted the loss.

Your aunty will always be around you and will always try to help and support you as best she can.  Talk to her where ever and when ever you want.  Even trivial things like "Oh it is very windy today"  Open yourself to accepting any sign that she may send to let you know she is there.  The sign(s) could happen straight away or a few days later.  You could smell her perfume, find an unexpected white feather, radio / tv may retune or you may find something that you thought was lost a long time ago.  Tell her how you feel and ask her to comfort you then sit quietly and feel the peace and warmth comfort you.  You will know when she is there to support you.

You could visit one of her favourite places such as the local park.  Go there on your own, talk to her and await any response.  You may feel a breath of wind on a perfectly still day or a wild bird may come extremely close.  Another great way of expressing your emotions is writing.  You could start a memory book about your aunt and do this alone or with family.  You can include memories from your childhood, stories your aunt told you about her childhood, stories from other relatives and some of your aunts friends, and lots of photos.  You can involve the whole family and together it will help you talk about your aunt and express your emotions.  Remember that anything said that is upsetting or hurtful will just be the grief and not personal.  Include lots of happy stories but also some sad ones to give a true balance.  It may help your uncle to come to terms with things more if he can share many memories with you that he may be keeping bottled up.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

Hello David,

Thank you so much for your reply you've given me the tools to start me on my road to acceptance of my aunties death & ways to help me over come my sadness. I love the idea of writing a memory book with photos about the good times we've had & some not so good for a healthy balance, but theres definitely more good/great times. I was with aunty when she was diagnosed with her grade 3 tumour of the larynx.

I just can't get the vision out of my mind. She could of had major surgery & been cancer free but she turned it down. At the age of 85 she said she couldn't cope with it so opted for radium therapy. I was devestated but didn't show it. I broke down when I left her with the McMillan team whom I must say were a tower of strength for all of us. After the meeting I travelled to my uncle to give him the diagnosis & the decision aunty had made. That was the hardest information I've ever given someone, it broke my heart telling him & watching him cry out loud. They were together 69 years & the perfect couple. I'm going to down load the links you've sent have a good read & start my book. 

Thank you to each & everyone in this community.  I hope I can read group discussions & maybe share similar experiences & help comfort people. 

Doris G

Hi Doris

You are welcome and I'm glad it has been of help.

Remember, you can post here anytime day or night and someone (maybe not me) will always respond.  You may just want to vent your feelings or need some support but either way posting will help.

They were very lucky to have 69 years together - many nowadays don't last 69 months!  Try to get your uncle - gradually - to get involved with the memory book.  When, where, how did they first meet?  Was it at some kind of a do or just a chance meeting in a park?  Does he have many photos of back then showing clothes and hair fashions?  You could also consider in the future doing a family tree on your aunt's side which will also bring up lots of memories and photos.

What was your aunt's favourite flower?  Could you plant one in your uncles garden or have it as a house plant.  Sometimes doing this can trigger a response from those who have passed.  When any sign comes you could say it's imagination or coincidence.  However, you will know if it is something specific.  An example is someone waking after dreaming about an object and where it, finding it and realising no one has seen it for many years.  Is this coincidence or a message - only you will know.

Hope everything works out well and sending you another hug.

I didn't know where to post earlier. I am not new here, however, the pain in which I find myself is raw and deep. I lost my beloved husband of 33 years 7 months and one week ago. He was my life, my champion, and without him, I could never have gotten through this far suffering endometrial cancer. How he is no more. I have no appetite, suffer nausea and other digestive issues, and get through the days doing absolutely nothing. My life ended with his. It was sudden and unexpected and I was with him yet he never regained consciousness. I have a daughter who helps as much as she can, however, it isn't my husband. I honestly don't know how long I can continue feeling this way.