Hi,
I’ve not posted here before but wasn’t really sure where else to turn.
my mum passed away quite suddenly on 11th December and I’m struggling to come to terms with what happened.
over the past 7 years she has battles and fought off 3 different cancers - melanoma on her eyeball 3times, endometrial cancer and bladder cancer. She had the all clear from all of these but in a routine mri in October the picked up tumours on her liver and spleen. We went to an appointment with the melanoma specialist who said they 99% sure it was secondary from the melanoma and would start treatment in due course after a biopsy. She had the biopsy and we were told on 7th Dec it was in fact non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. They were please and said it was better as it wasn’t a secondary cancer and easier to treat and a better prognosis and they would see her the next day to hopefully start treatment. Mum collapsed on the way to the appointment, I called an ambulance and we ended up in A&E. she very quickly deteriorated And passed away 3 days later. The tumour was extremely aggressive and started to breakdown, causing all sorts of problems and multiple organ failure.
I just can’t get my head around how it happened so quickly, why on her follow up scan when it had grown hugely did no one seem concerned and am angry at the fact she never got a chance to fight it.
so many emotions and th one person I would usually turn to I can’t.
sorry it’s long winded
katie x
Hi Katie
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.
No one could foretell how quickly things like this can happen and they thought there was a chance. You can take comfort from knowing that your mum did not suffer for weeks or months with the cancer and the treatments. You can also take great comfort for being with your mum at the end - she will also have been comforted by this and it would have made her passing more emotionally peaceful. You could try asking the staff concerned for a meeting to discuss your feelings but they are very busy and a lot of what you feel is part of the normal grieving process. We always blame others and look back wondering what should have been done or not. We all grieve in our own way and at our own pace so there are no rights or wrongs.
Remember that your mum will always be around you and you can talk to her anytime anywhere - even little things like "Oooh it's turning cold again" She will always try to find a way to guide, support and comfort you as best she can. Ask her to send you a sign that she is near and open yourself up to accept this sign - an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning, smell of perfume. Gradually over time your brain will help you to develop coping strategies so that you will be able to cope with any triggers more easily - the pain will still be there but you will find it easier to deal with. Visiting one of your mums favourite places (local park?) is a great way of getting close to your mum. Go there alone, talk to her and quietly await any peaceful feeling and signs she may send such as a wild bird coming extremely close.
Another great way of expressing your emotions - and you can ask your mum to help guide you - is to write them down. be totally honest with your feelings and include happy and sad thoughts. No one else needs to these and you can destroy them straight afterwards. Alternatively you can keep them for future reference so you can look back at how your felt and what you did to help you cope and, if necessary, reuse this same strategy again. You can include stories of your childhood, your mums childhood, stories from other relatives and some of your mums friends; and lots of photos. If ever you feel that your emotions are bottling up just put pen to paper and write a quick few lines - these can be expanded on later if you wish. You could even do this at work by keeping a small notebook and just use it when necessary. You may even see a trend of what things are the worst triggers and concentrate on developing a strategy for these.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
