Hello,
I lost my mum on 11/12/21. She was diagnosed with cancer in Jan 2018 and underwent surgeries, chemotherapy X2, radiotherapy X2, went in to kidney failure, bowel blockage and was just an all round fighter despite whatever she was going through. It was only me, my mum and my brother (22&23). She came home from hospital on the 1st and we had a lovely few days before she started to deteriorate really quickly. I cried when we were told they couldn’t do anything further in the hospital. When she was home it felt normal until she became delirious and then I cried on and off as she became more unwell over the 6 days. She passed away at home, since the day she has passed I haven’t cried, I’ve been close but I just don’t know how I feel, I feel wrong for not being more upset, I felt a relief for her when she passed because she was no longer in pain. I have been so busy sorting all the bills out thag I don’t know if I’ve given myself chance to be upset. I feel more upset for my future, that she won’t be there, that I won’t have her to walk me down the isle and meet my future children. Please could someone shed light on how they have felt? Am I just numb? In shock? Will it hit me at the funeral?
Thank you x
Hi Careofmymother
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your mum.
Everything you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Keeping busy has helped because you haven't had time to sit and think. Also, your own mind will know what is best for you and will control how / when you express your emotions. Remember that it has only been 2 weeks and you are probably still a bit exhausted from all the physical and mental effort of caring for your mum during her last few weeks.
Your mum will always be around you and is probably finding ways to keep you calm and not get too upset. She knows how you are feeling and will support you as best she can. You, and your brother, can take great comfort from doing everything you could for your mum during those last few weeks. Her passing would have been more emotionally peaceful knowing that you were both there and doing everything you could for her. Talk to her whenever and where ever you want - even little things such as "Oooh it's turning cold again" Your mum will always try to find ways to let you know she is near, you have to open yourself to accept these signs and not just put them doing as nothing or coincidence. Signs could be finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning to your mums favourite, finding a long lost item of your mums or getting a smell of her perfume. When you big day comes ask your mum to be by your side while you walk down the aisle and ask her to help you feel relaxed throughout the day - allow yourself to accept and feel her calming presence.
We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so there are no rights or wrongs. You will find that it is like a rollercoaster with massive highs and lows but over time as your mind gradually learns coping strategies you will find these highs and lows get smaller until they are almost but never completely level. The pain never goes and you will have the occasional 'blip' even in several years time but your coing strategies will make it easier to deal with. Let your emotions out whenever you need to - if talking to someone like a bank manager and you get upset just let yourself go, they will understand as they deal with this regularly. Don't worry about what anyone thinks if you cry in public - you are going to feel better for it and it shows their lack of understanding / sympathy so it is their problem.
A great way to express your emotions is writing which is much easier than verbally. You can write whatever you like and then destroy it straight away if you want but the process will help you to understand your emotions and ease them. You can keep the writings long term for future reference as an aid to memories and if you need that extra support they will help as you will remember how you coped previously. You should include happy and sad stories, stories from your childhood, stories from your mums childhood, stories from other relatives and some of your mums friends; and lots of photos. If you work on this alongside your brother and maybe other family members you can all express your emotions verbally and cry / get angry if you want to and everyone will benefit. Many people find it hard to know what to say in case it upsets but I think honesty is always best.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
