Hi Everyone,
2021 has brought some terrible experiences for me and my family. In June this year, my mother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and my sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer of the omentum 3 days later. I moved back into the family home (where I grew up) to look after my mum as she declined. She died in early October, 3 months and 10 days after her diagnosis. This was much faster than we had anticipated. My sister is responding well to chemo which seems to be holding her cancer back, thankfully, but it will still get her in the next 12 months so this is a welcome but temporary respite. As well as all this, I also had to have my 16 year old dog put down 3 days before Mum’s funeral which was the last straw and would have been devastating in itself anyway but even worse in the current situation. So, this last few months have been exhausting, deeply depressing, immensely painful and stressful (having got my business through Covid since March 2020, I was pretty exhausted and stressed before all this started).
The thing that is troubling me is how to deal with the grief for my mum and my dog I have been doing the probate and IHT forms for my mum’s estate and starting to sort her house out on my own as my sister is too ill to help. This has complicated my grief as this has involved the dissection of my mum’s life for the last 7 years. It has to be done but it is taking a toll on me and blocking my grief, I think. I have been plagued by images and experiences of the last few weeks and days of my mum’s life, which I cannot control (last night I could not get the thought of having to close my mum’s eyes after she died while I was watching the new Spider-Man movie with my family in the cinema). I suspect there is no easy way to deal with this sort of thing, does anyone have some advice about how to deal with this. It’s getting in the way of my memories of my mum before all this crap started. I know this all sounds rather desperate and I am actually managing quite well on a day to day basis but at many times, this is a bit of an illusion put on for others.
iBourney
Thank you for reaching out here.. I hope that in some way, just leaving the words written down has helped you move forwards if only just a little.
I am sorry to read of the double blow that you have had from a family diagnosis point of view and also to read that you beloved pet of more than 16 years crossed the rainbow bridge.
The good news is, your sister is responding well to treatment, it is important to try to think as positively as possible for her, my husband was given a terminal diagnosis back in May 2020 - 4 months without treatment, 12 months with, he is still having treatment and 19 months later things are still in his favour.
With regards to grieving.. there really isn't a specific way or right time, and unfortunately, as with your experience in the cinema it creeps up, just when you think it is all under control, though I do wonder if it ever really is.
Like you, 2021 has brought some devastating experiences my way, after spending most of 2020 worrying if and when my husband would no longer be with me, we arrived in 2021 by giving him the best Xmas and New Year that we could considering the covid restrictions. My Dad was then diagnosed with stomach cancer and COPD in January, and my brother in law with Secondary Liver cancer in March. Dad passed in April and my Brother in Law passed in May, two days after my Dad's funeral, and like you I don't believe that I have grieved as I believed I would, I have waves of sadness come over me when I least expect it, when driving, when lying in bed, or half way through a days work.. but I just seem to put the lid back on the emotions, as it is always the wrong time.
I talk out loud to my dad most days, and some days also to my brother in law, and I wait... I am sure at some point, my internal grief will find its way out and I am not sure if I will ever be ready for that... I hope when the time comes, you will be able to offer yourself some time, for you Mum, and for your Dog, and that until then, you do not have too many negative memory interruptions whilst going through your daily life.
Take Care, and Best of Luck to your sister.
Lowe'
