Evening all,
On November 16 2021, my mother died after her three year battle with metastatic rectal cancer. I'm having a really horrible time processing it, and like anyone who loses their parent, will never fully get over it. She was 54 years old. Up until the beginning of September, she seemed to be in good health: a healthy weight, eating properly, going out; basically living a normal life. She had a stoma fitted and around this September, she began having discomfort and feelings of bloating and cramps. She went into hospital and doctors said the stoma needed resiting to another area. Over that month, she was in and out of hospital and lost a lot of weight, so much so that she resembled a skeleton covered in thin skin.
It was in October that her specialist told her that any more treatment (chemotherapy) would kill her and that it was likely she had weeks to live and best case months. The cancer was very aggressive. This came as a total shock because I assumed she was getting the better of the cancer. At home, she was eating bits, sleeping a lot and on a lot of pain medication. To see her like that really hurt me because she was the strongest woman I knew. She worked throughout her treatment, rarely took days off.
She passed away at home and when I got to the house I didn't know what to do. I am autistic and suffer with anxiety and depression and my mum was my best friend and the one I spoke to when I was at my lowest and now I feel that has been taken away from me and she is missing out on a lot with her grandchildren. I have been having thoughts of ending my own life, but obviously that is due to my grief and not something I could do.
I just want clarity and to understand this because it's ripping me apart.
Thanks for reading.
RD
Hi Red Dwarf
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. You can take great comfort from knowing that your mum was fighting all the way and didn't want to give in. As you say a very strong woman. She will always be around you and will try to guide and support you as best she can. Talk to her whenever and where ever you want - even little things like "Oh, it's very windy again" Try visiting one of her favourite places such as the local park and talk to her there. When ever you talk to her ask her to comfort, support and guide you. Open yourself up to any signs she may send such as an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning, finding a long lost item or wild birds coming extremely close. Think of what your mum would want you to do and try your best to do this. Never bottle up your emotions regardless of where you are. Even in a supermarket you can nip to the toilet or ask a member of staff to watch your shopping while you pop outside for 5 minutes fresh air.
You can try starting a memory book about your mum including stories which are happy or sad. Include stories from your childhood, stories your mum told you about her childhood, stories from other relatives and some of your mums friends / work colleagues and don't forget loads of photos. Writing is a great way of expressing emotions which you can't or don't want to say out loud. Once written you don't need to let anyone else see them, you can keep them for the future or destroy them straight away. Grieving is different for everyone - we all take out own time and do it our own way. Generally you will find that it is like a series of waves and over time the highs and lows will not be as high or low and be fewer so that the line becomes flatter. There will always be something, even many years from now, that may trigger upsetting emotions but you can write these down and you will have developed coping methods on how to deal with your emotions.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
