This Sunday will mark 6 months since my mam died. She was on the operating table to get her gall bladder removed when they saw the tumour. She was diagnosed in February with stage 3-4 ovarian cancer and died only 4 months later. In those 4 months she suffered a lot. She never really recovered from her debulking surgery and we saw her struggle every day.
I was the executor of her will and so I've had all sorts to sort out. Its kept me busy and stressed. I've had to sell her house to pay off her mortgage and other debits and it's due to complete on Friday. I feel like I now have more time to think....to grieve. It hurts so much. I'm crying more now than ever. I can't get my head round that she's gone. That I will never see her again.
I have conflicting thoughts. One minute I think I need to live life to the full because it is so short and you don't know what's round the corner. The next minute I think, what is the point? What is the point in life if we all just die and break the hearts of our loved ones in the process. It's so hard to feel so divided.
How is it that the one thing inevitable for us all (death), is something that rips our hearts apart?
I just wish things had been different. I wish we'd been more prepared.
Dear Emma34
Thank you so much for reaching out here, for putting your thoughts down in writing and sharing this with the forum, you are very welcome here.
I am sorry to read that your Mam passed six months ago after suffering a great deal once diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Your conflicting thoughts are not surprising, we want to make the ones we love proud, and to do that we need to live our lives to the full, but when the only life we have known is one with them in it, it is difficult to know what direction to go into and how to deal with what will become our new normal.
I think that we spend a lot of time protecting people from the inevitability of death, that we are ill prepared when it comes and that makes it even tougher when it is a person of most importance.
I hope that you can allow yourself to grieve, there is no time limit on that and in truth I think that we never really stop, but we adapt, somehow!
I really hope you can give yourself some love, some recognition for all that you have managed to achieve for your Mam since her passing, and maybe even allow yourself to know how very proud she is of you.
Take care
Lowe'
