I lost my dad suddenly, mere months after he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer he was gone. Since his passing I have been all over the place. I feel so guilty about so many things, I worry that I didn't show him how much I appreciated him. I regret not spending enough time with him in those last few months. I spent the initial period after his diagnosis scouring the internet for any sign of hope, any new medical treatment or trial that might give him a chance. I just felt like there had to be a solution in science. I was only 19 and in my head I couldn't lose my dad so soon so there had to be something out there that I could find that could make him "better." I was really angry, not at anyone in particular, but I feel like that stopped me making the most of those last months with my dad. Then it's like it switched and it finally hit me, as I watched my dad deteriorate, that I was going to lose him years before I could have possibly imagined. So then the grieving process started before he was gone, it was like my brain was trying to prepare itself for what was to come and now I feel like I just skipped past a whole stage of him still being with us. My dad was my absolute world, and the person in my family who understood me most. It feels like losing him has broken me. I struggle on day to day because I have to be there for my mum. I try to get on with my degree because it was something that my dad really wanted for me but I just can't find the motivation to get on with my work. He wanted us all to keep going with our lives but it is just so hard when the person I want to share everything with, happy and sad, isn't there. There is so much that I want to get off my chest but I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. I have to be strong for my family and don't want to burden them because they are grieving too. My boyfriend tries, and he means well, but most of the time what he says ends up making me feel worse. I've never been good at reaching out and asking for help or expressing emotions but bottling it up is making me more irritable and less motivated to do anything, everything just seems really overwhelming and I'm not entirely sure how to pick myself back up from this.
Hi Rain.Cloud welcome to the forum and I m so very sorry for the loss you have suffered and how you are feeling.
I am a good few years older than you and I also lost my Dad a couple of years ago very quickly from Pancreatic Cancer as well.
I feel certain that your dad would have loved you beyond all reason as dads do, and was so proud of who you were growing into being. Its gard to not do the if only's but it doesnt really help because the reality is its too late for what if's, so its important to focus on the love, chats, respect and love that you shared as thats whats important and is that that will live on in your heart for your Dad.
I do however think that talking with someone would help and in the first instance I wonder if you might like to speak to one of the lovely folks at the McMillan Line who are super listeners and could maybe point you in the direction of ongoing support.08088080000.
Meanwhile cherish the time that you got to spend with your Dad, that loss never leaves you but it does somehow over time get accommodated into our lives but they will never be forgotten. xx
gail
