I'm finding it very difficult to speak up, but I'm struggling massively and need some support..
My life has completely changed and destroyed in such a short space of time.. early hours of Thursday the 11th of November, I had rang an ambulance for my mum, as she had been experiencing abdominal pain, since March but the doctors kept palming her off with different medication over the telephone, without seeing her.. the pain was bad, she was staying over with me and my 7 year old daughter for a few days and I felt so worried I needed her to be checked over ASAP.. on Friday the 12th of November, I was called into hospital, into a room wirh my mum, to be told after they had done a CT scan, it showed my mum had stage 4 pancreatic cancer, in those moments, our lives were just completely torn apart.. I've never experienced anyone close to me, have cancer, I'm 32, I've lost my grandad, nan and my dad and my mum was my only family member, apart from my daughter. I didn't even know anything about pancreatic cancer, I'd heard of it, but never knew anything about it, because I never needed too? To be told it had spread onto my mum's liver and she had 9-12 months with having chemotherapy, was absolutely horrific, my mum isn't just my mum, she's everything! My best friend, my whole world.. we did everything together, I'm a single parent to my daughter and she doesn't see her dad, so my bond with her and my mum was absolutely incredible! The 3 of us were inseparable and I would speak to my mum numerous times throughout the day, every day.. after the news on Friday, mum was allowed home on Sunday.. mum chose to stay with me, for me to look after her.. it was scary, I didn't know what I was expecting, I didn't know what was to come, I've never seen anyone die, I've never watched anyone become poorly! The hospital rang on the Monday, they told me mum was alot more poorly than first anticipated and had months, her cancer was on her liver and chemotherapy wasn't an option.. I couldn't process any of it! I couldn't accept it, I couldn't believe it! Everything went from 0-100 so quickly! My whole world was destroyed so fast.. those days at home were so scary, so sad, so unimaginable. At 3am on the 17th November, my mum woke me up, panicking, screaming, shouting.. I was trying to help her, whilst on the phone for an ambulance, she was in a state and I didn't know what was going on? All this was happening whilst my daughter was watching, the screaming had woken her, I didn't even realise she was stood in the door way, for a while as my focus was holding onto my mum who had fallen off my bed.. after the paramedics arrived, they put oxygen on mum and did observations, within minutes, my mum was gone.. my mum died in my bed, in my home just 5 days after diagnosis.. this is the most horrific pain I've ever experienced, I am completely broken, I can't process any of it. It all happened so fast and so quick, I hadn't even come to terms with the diagnosis let alone anything that came in the 5 days after that. The trauma I have is awful, I don't know what to do or where to turn? I miss her so much it hurts so bad, I just feel like I can't do this.. i want my mum!
