Hi I’m finding it really hard since losing my dad to lung cancer. We found out in June he had it & things quickly got worse he had a heart attack & then cancer spread to his back & brain was nothing they could do he did have one lot of chemo & some radiotherapy. Think did not help with covid I could not visit for ages. He went into hospice which was lovely the care he got their & the staff etc was wonderful. Helped with his pain no end. He died September 20th he was 71. I just can’t believe his gone & I won’t see him again. My hubby don’t understand why I’m upset still & just want to be left alone most of time.
Hi Suffolkgirl
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.
We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so there are no rights or wrongs. It is still only 2 months since he passed and your emotions will be very raw especially not having spent a great deal of time with him due to Covid. Remember that he was your father not your husbands and that men have this stupid idea of being macho, not showing emotions and expecting others to do likewise. If you want to be on your own then do so - your own mind will help you through this and will let you know if your are spending too much time alone. You can visit one of your dads favourite places on your own and talk to him there and await any response. Your dad will always be around you and will always try to respond when he can. You have to open yourself to any sign he may send such as an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning, finding a long lost object of your dads. He will always be there to guide and support you and you have to ask him to help then open yourself to feel this help. You can also contact the hospice and ask to visit - you can thank them for everything they did and also possible have a heart to heart with one their team.
A great way to express your emotions is to write them down. You could do this by creating a memory book about your dad which you can do alone or with others. No one else needs to see it or read it if you want to be private about somethings you write. Include stories from your childhood, stories your dad told you of his childhood, stories from other relatives and your dads friends and lots of photos. You could also do some other things, possibly with permission from councils, such as having a park bench in his name, planting his favourite flowers in your garden or a park. If you have a seat, visit the place and sit there, talk to your dad and ask him for guidance. Sit quietly and calmly and await any response he sends to show you he is there such as a wild bird coming extremely close. If you start a memory book you could leave some of it lying around so that your husband sees what you are doing then you may be able to discuss it with him. Do you have a best friend who is not a family member who you could talk to at times and know you will be comforted by their support?
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
