I'm completely broken into bits and pieces. I lost my Mum 6 weeks ago 11th August 2021 to Ovarian Cancer (secondary in the Lung) Mum had moved into palliative stage and the doctor had given her 12 months in June of this year..... so we had hoped to travel out for Christmas to spend some precious time with our amazing Mum and Nana. I feel so guilty that my children did not get a chance to say their goodbyes to their Nana. ...with covid restrictions and quarantine we decided not to travel this past summer holiday .....turns out we should have!
We should have gone in July as soon as school holidays started because 3 weeks later Mum was gone and we travelled out anyway to honour Mum, see Dad and have memorial service. I know she didn't want us to be gathered in her last days whilst she struggled so badly to breathe. She wanted happy memories - ones of her gardening and cooking marmalade jam or a giant family roast. She was truly the glue of the family. A great communicator supporter of all of us. Now that has been ripped from us. I am really struggling. She deteriorated so quickly in a matter of days...
I called her everyday if not twice a day on video call - to make up for the distance - I miss her so much it physically hurts. We had the most amazingly close Mother daughter relationship - one that some people don't have - it makes the pain even worse/unbearable some days. I find my husband is supportive and loving but he doesn't fully grasp or comprehend my pain. He loves his Mum - but only talks to her maybe once or twice a month.... so I would say not as emotionally linked and close and I feel he doesn't really understand. I guess he can't.
My question is: how do we continue with everyday life shopping housekeeping gardening cleaning when we are utterly in bits on the inside? I feel like I'm trying to put my best foot forward but I'm wobbling ...I'm disabled by grief ...frozen sometimes. My biggest fan, confidant, best friend and only person who would listen to me whole-heartedly without an ounce of judgement has gone with the wind. Simply no longer in my life and I am struggling to come to terms with that. My biggest supporter in my life. I now have to continue on my journey without her.
The pain is so deep. I hope to find members here who I can chat too and more importantly relate to....
Hi DancingwithJeanie
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.
I can understand how painful it is for you. Maybe your husband does fully understand because he has not lost his mum and so doesn't know what it feels like. We all grieve differently and at different speeds so there are no rights or wrongs. Personally, I think the worse the pain shows that the bond was stronger. Remember though that your mum will still find a way to be with you as much as she can. She will always try to support and guide you. You can talk to your mum whenever and where ever you want and you need to open yourself for any responses that she sends. When shopping or gardening ask her advice on something and she will find a way to show you what is best. Some people think these signs are just coincidence but I think they are help from loved ones who have passed. You may ask what plant should go where in the garden, your phone rings and when you come back a plant may be sitting in the right spot ready for planting. Similarly when cleaning asking her what is the best to do something then a few days later she will guide to something in the shop you may not have thought of. There are other signs such as finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning or finding long lost items that belonged to your mum. Visit one of your mums favourite places on your own and talk to her there. Be watchful for any signs she sends which can take a few days to appear. Do you have a best friend who is not a family member who you can talk to anytime of day or night and will offer some support even if it is just listening then giving you a hug?
A great way to express your emotions is to write them down. You can start a memory book and involve your children with this. Collect stories from your childhood, stories your mum told you of her childhood, stories from other relatives and your mums friends. Include lots of photos. This will be a great way for everyone to discuss your mum openly, express your emotions and be great memories for your children when they grow up. Have a look at this page to see if there is anything there that may help you with discussing it with your children if they have any difficulties. When compiling the memory book ask your children to write something to say their goodbyes to their nana and let them use their own words and don't worry if it is short or long. Include stories of her gardening and baking - did you help with these (chief taster for the marmalade perhaps?), where there any funny mishaps doing these things?
Where ever you are never bottle up your emotions even if you have your children with you as they will learn that is the correct way to react. In a supermarket you can pop to the toilet for 5 minutes or step out for fresh air - ask a member of staff to watch your shopping and I'm sure they won't mind. Regardless of the situation, say a big business meeting or meal in a large packed restaurant, you can go to the toilet for a few minutes - no one needs to know why. This will be more beneficial than holding your emotions in. While in the toilet ask your mum to give you strength to carry on what you were doing and she will find a way to make you feel more okay until you get home.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
