Dad blames mum for her dying

Hi Skewbald

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.

Yes blame is part of grieving.  This is because the person (your dad) is trying to come to terms with their loss and it is easier to blame someone rather than deal with the grief.  We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed and so there are no rights or wrongs.  We all feel that Dr's could have done more, we ourselves could have done more and the person who has passed should have done more.  Like everything in life, hindsight is a great fixer that doesn't work.  If your mum had no obvious symptoms then she would not realise that she need to see her GP.  Also, as you mention, Covid has made things difficult for people needing tests and treatment.  Your mum did what she thought was right at the time and would be best for all the family.  Some times cancer does not have any severe symptoms until it is too late and nobody can or should be blamed.

The first thing you need to try to do is to try to help cut right down on his drinking.  You can do this by suggesting you visit one or more of your mums favourite places such as the local park just for a few minutes and have some quiet reflection while there.  Talk to your mum anywhere anytime - she will always be around you and will try to respond as best she can.  You both have to open yourselves up to any signs she may send such as an unexpected white feather, finding long lost items or radio / tv retuning.  With your dad start a memory book - fill it with stories, happy and sad, from your childhood, stories from your mums childhood, stories from relatives, stories from some of your mums friends and lots of photos.  If you do this together it will be a great way to share your grief and help to take your dads mind off having a drink.  The pain you are both experiencing will never go away.  However, over time you will learn to recognise triggers and build coping strategies to deal with them.  The main thing is never to bottle up any emotions which is why the memory book works because writing is a lot easier than speaking.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

My wife, my beloved Kathy who had been married to me for 32 years, died of ovarian cancer in June. She was a medical professional, and knew exactly what she was doing. Almost the same thing happened to her. I look back on what happened and ask if it could have been avoided or picked up sooner. In the end I just have to say "Things happen" and give thanks for all the happy times together.

Thank you for replying and sorry for your loss. I think it has knocked us all sideways as it happened so quick after diagnosis. Dad has realised that maybe he did drink a bit too much and shouldn't of said what he did. Its going to take time they were married for 49 years. We just have to support each over as a family. We are all going to question the what if's whatever the situation.