Struggling with losing Mum 8 months ago

Hi Suz

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal.  We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed.  It comes in peaks and troughs so you have really good days and really bad ones.  Over time your mind will learn what triggers all your emotions and will build coping strategies.  This will make the peaks and troughs reduce in strength so that the line stays virtually flat with just the occasional high or low.  The pain never goes but over time you do learn how to cope better and therefore the pain seems less.

Many people offer support but are not really sure what to say or do and do not want to cause further upset.  Maybe you could try in a small way not to put a front on (hiding emotions can you make you unwell in many ways) and express your feelings, including crying, in front of everyone and see if anyone does respond.  They may be waiting on a sign from you to show them it is okay to talk about your mum and remember both happy and sad times.  Try small things initially like in the garden "My mum loved those flowers" then change back to normal topics.  People will then start to realise you and they can talk about your mum openly.

Have you visited one of your mums favourite places such as the local park?  You can talk to her anywhere anytime as she will always be around you.  Ask her to support and guide you as best she can.  Open yourself to any signs to show she is near and listening - finding an unexpected white feather, birds getting extremely close when in the park, radio / tv retuning, finding a long lost item of your mums.  As you mention, your mum won't se her third grandchild.  However, you and anyone else you want to involve, can create a memory book about your mum.  Include stories from your childhood, stories she told you about her childhood, stories from relatives, stories from your mums friends and lots of photos.  Be honest with everything you write as expressing your emotions this way is easier than talking.  Involve your daughters, shed lots of tears if you all want to - you will all bond even closer and your new baby will grow to have those memories about their grandma.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

Best wishes for your forthcoming happy event.

Hi Suz11

I am in a very similar boat to you and was compelled to respond. I lost my mum in February to melanoma, age 65 and 5 months after she was diagnosed- I was 6 months pregnant at the time. When she died my son, her first grandchild, was 8 weeks old.

I feel like my pain is getting worse, just like you said. The days without her seem so long and she’s in everything that i see or do or think. I cry daily when i look at my son and feel so much sadness for what he is missing in not knowing her, for myself in the fact that I miss her so unbelievably and for what she has been robbed of.  

I used to feel like my support network was so big but without her I have realised that I don’t really have anyone else to confide in or that understands and empathises and I feel so desperately lonely. 

I don’t know if you’re the same but I feel like people seem to think you’re ok as time has passed, and that if you’re getting on with your life you must be coping, when actually it couldn’t be further from the truth. 

I’m desperate for someone to ask me how I am, and also mean it, but people seem to be scared to so it’s like you have to just contain your grief constantly and then it periodically bubbles over. 

I know people don't know what to say or have a fear of upsetting you but surely it’s better to say something than nothing?!

I also totally empathise when you say you're putting on a front. Social situations are now such a chore as its like you have to pretend to be ‘you’ as it doesn't come naturally when you’re so consumed with grief and sadness. Its hard not to become bitter and resent people isn’t it. 

I just wanted to let you know that I don’t know how you feel, as it annoys me so much when people say that- your grief is your own and no one in the world knows it and the relationship you had with your mum but you, BUT i do understand everything you say and know exactly where you're coming from so you're not alone x

Hi David

Thank you so much for your kind words! And for very good ideas, I do think I need to try and stop hiding my emotions with my friends and family and express how I feel more which I will try.

I love the idea of creating a memory book about my mum with the girls, which the baby can read when she is older.

Thank you for the support number and the poem is lovely! 

I really appreciate it! Thanks!

Hi Tirednewmum

Thank you so much for your reply! I am so sorry for the loss of your mum! I can relate to everything you have said and feel the same!

It's heartbreaking your son was only 8 weeks old, I don't know about you but when my mum died I got told all the time that the kids would get me through it which I understand but I feel so angry that she was taken so soon in their little lives and she won't get to see them grow up! I cry daily but find myself crying wherever they are not, so the drive to and from work, in the shower or once they are in their beds as I don't want them to see me upset all the time but then I think in turn this prompts people to think that as time is passing I am fine and coping but as you said that could not be further from the truth! I think this coupled with people not knowing what to say and so it is never mentioned just adds to the excruciating lonely feeling all the time! 

Just reading your reply and knowing someone knows how I feel means so much! 

I'm always here if you want to message! Or can email? anytime! X 

Hi Suz, 

I’m so sorry for the delay in replying, I only just saw this! 

I agree with what you say totally about the children. Lots of people were saying thank god I have him etc which is true but also makes things harder on so many levels. You don’t have time to just allow yourself to cave if you need to, wrap yourself up in a duvet on the sofa for days on end like I feel I need to most days, and also you grieve for the things your mum won’t see your children doing don’t you. It’s a triple edged sword!

How are you doing? Do you find weekends any easier? You must be ready to give birth at any point now. SO exciting, yet I’m sure you feel a million emotions. 

I would love to message or email. It sounds like we are both going through the exact same thing which I wouldn’t wish on anyone but it’s nice to be understood isn’t it xxxx

Hi Tirednewmum 

I have 4 weeks to go so it is definitely a mixture of emotions! I'm doing OK just now but imagine how hard it is going to be once the baby is here without her! How are you doing? How old is your little boy now? 

I have sent you a friend request so we can message? 

As you say I wouldn't wish this on anyone but it definitely feels easier to talk to someone who knows how you feel! 

Xxxx

Hi Suz,

I was sort of relieved to find that what I am experiencing is not some rare thing... I lost my mom to cancer on the 1st January this year, and simultanously found out that my wife's breast cancer (which we thought had been conquered in 2016) has spread to her bones.

I can relate to everything you describe, and also for me it just seems to be getting worse, the mornings harder, for the first time in my life I seem to be edging upstairs in the evening long before the rest, just wanting to curl up and go somewhere else, and there is no excitment from anything, even the upcoming camping trip seems like something I would happily avoid.

I'm just surprised how it goes on, thinking of my mom every hour sometimes, and with great sorrow and regret, I wasn't there when she died (other country) and couldn't be at the funeral (Covid)..

Hi Moses18

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and your wife's cancer!

I can definitely relate to how you feel about your Mum, I don't think I was prepared for how terribly lonely it feels to lose your mum even with a large family and friends group. I think many don't know what to say or do so say nothing but I feel this is worse! She is all I think about and so don't want to go on with life as 'normal'.

I also find it hard that people think as time passes you must be ok but like you said I also feel like the pain of losing her actually gets worse and I'm really struggling with adapting to life without her but don't think I ever will! 

I have found it helpful to be able to speak to people on here who understand how you feel.

I am always here if you need to talk!

I will send a friend request and feel free to message!