A month ago today my Mum died. She went to hospital a week earlier after several weeks of pain, discomfort, not eating. Hospital on Tuesday, diagnosis of cancer Wednesday, 3 - 6 months to live Thursday, 24-48 hours on Sunday, left us Wednesday. A month on on, I am the executor of her will, working full time (long hours), have 2 x 20 year old daughters devastated at losing their grandmother... a house to deal with, my husband and brother doing the "male" let's sort out the practicalities..... cried tonight for the frst time properly. Just want to call her on the phone and chat .. and figure out what is going on. She has lived 10 minutes away from us for the last 17 years, brought up our children with us, been in our COVID household bubble - feeling lost tonight.
Hi Gerbil
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.
We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed. You have to stay strong for your family but mostly for yourself. If you do not give yourself time to grieve properly then you could be hit much harder in the future by your grief. The men are probably trying to do the macho thing and not show their emotions which is not always the best way to handle them. There are a few things you can do to try to help ease the pain - remember that the pain never goes but as you learn to cope with triggers you will find that it does get a bit easier.
Talk to your mum whenever and where ever you want - even just coming in the house and a few word about the weather will do. When out anywhere just say a few words like "Mum would've loved to have seen that" then move back to more general topics. This will help to show that you are okay to talk about your mum and people don't need to avoid the subject. Often people seem to just carry on because they don't want to upset people further so stay quiet instead.
Your mum will always be around you and will always try to support and guide you as best she can. Visit one of her favourite places such as the local park and talk to her there. She will always try to send a sign to let you know she is there beside you. These can take a few days to happen and you need to open yourself to recognise the possible signs such as finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning to her favourite, finding a long lost item belonging to your mum.
A great way to express your emotions is to create a memory book. You must be honest when writing this and include happy stories and sad ones. Include stories from your childhood, stories from your girls' childhood which include your mum, stories from other relatives, stories from some of your mums friends and lots of photos. You can do some of this alone and some with as many family members as you wish. Learn to discuss things openly with each other expressing your true emotions including shedding tears if necessary.
Have you asked work if you can have some time off to sort your mums will and your own emotions? Does your work have a HR department with trained staff who could sit and listen if you need to express yourself? Will your boss allow you to nip to to the toilet if you need to cry rather than bottle it up? Do you have a best friend at work who will be there for you and will offer a the support you need even if it is just a hug? Have a read of this information, acas, some of which will be very useful in helping you with your employer if required.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
