I'm just really reaching out to see if anyone has had a similar experience to me or has any advice as I'm really struggling to know what to do at the moment. My dad died three years ago of pancreatic cancer... we had a horrible few years prior to that and his loss was absolutely devastating to us all. For context, he was 65 and I am mid-30s.Yesterday was the 3-year anniversary and I am at a stage where I just want to raise a glass and think of the happy memories rather than being consumed with sadness as I have been on previous years. However, this year I made the mistake of mentioning it to my husband... suggesting we raise a glass together. He agreed earlier in the day but later on when we did this, he toasted my father happy birthday. When I pointed out it wasn't his birthday but the anniversary of his death he couldn't understand why we would raise a glass to that and said we didn't do it for his dad and why did we need to celebrate my dad multiple times in a year (again, for context, I don't usually mention my dad's birthday to him and instead celebrate it with my mum and siblings – covid allowing). He got on extremely well with my dad when he was alive but doesn't seem to have had an ounce of empathy since – something I've brushed under the carpet over the years but yesterday it really upset me. He started saying how ridiculous I was for getting worked up about it and pretty much ruined the day when all I wanted to do was spend a little part of the day remembering my incredible dad. I've tried talking to him about it today but he just thinks I was overreacting... so we'll end up brushing it under the carpet until the next anniversary/or I'll end up doing as I usually doing and talking to my friends about my dad rather than him. I just really wanted to reach out and see if anyone else had had a similar experience in their grief? I know from friends that some (or most!) partners are probably amazingly supportive but just thought I'd put it out there as it's dredged up all the feelings I went through three years ago in terms of lack of support and understanding...
Hi Elsa-May
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.
I understand how you feel at the moment but remember that everyone grieves in their own way and at their own speed. Maybe your husband just has a different method of coping. Maybe he did not grieve his own father fully and doesn't fully understand why you should feel as you do. I used to visit my parents grave twice a year for their anniversaries but found it became an obsession and I avoided making any other arrangements for those days so that I could go. I forced myself to stop going because I know they understand that I will always have the memories so don't specifically need to visit their grave. Your dad will always be around you and you can talk to him anytime and anywhere. he will always try to send a sign to let you know he is there. You have to open yourself to these signs which can happen at anytime - finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning to his favourite, finding something of your dads you thought was lost years ago. Maybe on the next anniversary just say a few words to your dad when your husband is nearby and then get on with your day as best you can. Sometimes the reason people don't to acknowledge anniversaries is because it reminds them of their own mortality which i think most people are a little afraid of. Your husband may just want to spend as much time enjoying life and his current family without thinking about the past or what will happen in the future. You could also try writing a memory book about your dad including happy and sad stories from your childhood, stories he told you of his childhood, stories from other relatives, stories from your dads friends / work colleagues and lots of photos. Writing is a great way of expressing your emotions especially on anniversaries and you don't necessarily have to involve your husband.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
