Hi everyone,
I am struggling after the death of my mother in December she was 61 and fit and well until October.
October she started to stuffer badly with pain eventually discovering bowel cancer which had spread to lungs spine and liver. But will hopes of palliative treatment we were cautiously hopefully.
the rate of deterioration was so fast and so much quicker than appointments could be made to start treatment.
she became so weak and in so much pain and started to really deteriorate after Christmas … sepsis and then a covid diagnosis lead to her death in hospital a few days later …. I was allowed to be with her but didn’t say the things I feel I should because I didn’t want her to think I’d given up on her.
6 months on I still see her lying in the bed when I shut my eyes. I can’t remember a lot of December I think I’ve blocked it out
I feel so upset I can’t remember Christmas or conversations
I can’t remember her voice. I still feel so shocked that any of it has happened.
it’s not fair she was fit and well and had grandchildren that miss her so much. I can’t believe that this time last year we had no idea any of this was going to hapoen
i miss her so much and iam finding it difficult to talk about as we have since had another bereavement in my husbands family and we have young children . We try to keep going and stay positive and just get through one day at a time but recently I find my mind searching for memories and conversations we had.
I feel like I am forgetting her snd I don’t know how to cope
its still an over whelming feeling of pure sadness and anger she didn’t even get her palliative care appointment due in January.
she was deteriorating so quickly even before covid hit I don’t think she would of managed treatment.
I hate people asking how I am and saying am fine
Iam not fine but I can’t tell them the truth
everyday hurts
they say things like well she didn’t suffer long, she’s not suffering now, she’s watching over you
I don’t feel it … she just feels gone to me.
ive hear several People say once they have w biopsy taken it spreads the cancer around the body? Is there any truth in that?
I had a short course of CBT in January and I don’t know if I just need counselling but I dread it because talking about things makes it so real and it’s so hard.
I wish someone could tell me it won’t feel like this forever but normally people say it’s doesn’t go away and I feel lost !
any help or words of wisdom appreciated
