Hi
I lost my mum in April to cancer and cared for her at home with my dad in the last weeks of her life. I'm seen by family and friends as an incredibly strong person so it's hard to admit that after staying so strong while caring for her and while living with my dad in the weeks after her death, now I'm back home on my own I'm struggling. I know what I should be doing to improve my mental and physical health (exercise, getting outside talking with friends etc) but I'm not sleeping well and feel permanently tired which is making it hard to get motivated to do anything to help myself and work is starting to feel a bit overwhelming. It's been over 2 months since I lost mum so I thought the worst of my grief would be over but yesterday was the worst day I've had so far with uncontrollable tears for hours. Maybe this is normal and I just have to ride it out, but I'd like to know if anyone else has struggled with looking forward and finding happiness again after losing a close relative. Maybe I should talk to my GP but I don't want to take any pills. Has anyone had experience (good or bad) of counselling? Unfortunately my family and my mum's ashes are on the other side of the country and I've only lived in the town where I am now for a few years so I don't have much support here.
Any advice would be welcome. Thanks. x
Hi Maggie
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. You can take great comfort from having been with your mum in those last few weeks and for taking care of your dad afterwards. This would also have given your mum great comfort and made her passing more peaceful.
Your mum will always be around you and you need to talk to her when ever and where ever you want. Even small things like coming back inside and saying that the shops were busy. Ask her to comfort and guide you through your pain. She will always try to find a way to respond even if it takes a few days. This could be finding a white feather unexpectedly, radio / tv retuning to her favourite - you have to open yourself up to recognise these signs so that you know she is there.
What you are experiencing, especially being fairly new to an area, is perfectly normal. We all grieve at our own speed and in our own way. It is a rollercoaster where some days are great and others are extremely low. Overtime your mind will learn to recognise the triggers and help you to create methods of coping which will make the pain feel much easier. It will always be there and you can always have a bad day many years later but you will know what is happening and why.
Tablets only mask the emotional turmoil and when you stop them things could hit you much much harder. Why not create a memory book about your mum? Include stories (happy and sad) from your childhood, stories she told you about her childhood, stories from other relatives, stories from any of your mums friends / work colleagues and lots of photos. Expressing your emotions on paper is much easier than talking about them and you can do this alone or with other family members.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
