Lost without mum

Hello, 

I understand how difficult it feels to be lost without a parent, and there is no right words that will take away the pain that you are feeling, but it is important that you find some help to be able to discuss and work through the constant visions and lack of sleep that you are experiencing.

There is no shame in grief, I lost my Dad and my Brother in Law within three weeks of each other, I had limited time to grieve for my Dad as we were dealing with my BIL's illness, but now they are both no longer here, the funerals have passed and it is time to grieve, it will take time, but this is because of the intense love for the people we lose. 

Please reach out to your local counselling department, this is available via your GP, they are trained to help people to cope again, it may feel as if you will never be able too, but if you give them a chance, you may find being able to talk, and not having people feel that you should be ok now, may help you.

Hang in there

Lowe'

I think your message tells everyone reading it what a loving child you were to your mom. I'm about to go through the same thing and am worried about what comes next once she passes. I know what i am going to try though and maybe it could be something that may help you.  My mom wants me to be happy so if I'm spending too much time crying i catch hold of myself and think I'm actually going against what my mom has asked of me which i would never do  so i force myself to eat and go out to use the gym etc knowing that each time i do it would make my mom happy. I should think your mom would want the same for you. Do things for your mom and it may kick start you into taking care of yourself better.  You won't feel like a country walk or eating a fresh meal perhaps but it would make your mom happy if you did.  Do we want to make our moms happy? Of course we do!

Good luck x

Steve.

Hi

• I lost my mum last week to breast cancer. I am feeling the same. my pain is so much and I don't know how to live without her. If you need to talk to someone I am here. If I can help you with the pain I am here. 

I lost my mum in July 2020. I didn’t deal with my grief for along time, I told everyone one that I was ok. Struggling on knowing every day was going to be hard and missing the only person I could talk to. 
a few months ago I fell into the darkest depression I’ve ever known. I thought about killing myself, I cried every day couldn’t eat I got so weak from not eating I had become seriously anaemic at the same time without me seeing what was going on. My husband became so depressed he couldn’t sleep, work or even function. I was pissed at him as he wasn’t the one that lost his mum. 
It turned out that him being so depressed actually helped me. I was able so say to myself I need to get up and look after are daughter that was 3 at the time. I need to be a better mum and now I need to be strong for my husband. 
anyway all I want to say is stay strong, we will forever miss our mums, but we need to stand strong as women together and let our mums know they did amazing jobs as mum to raise strong amazing women. 
that’s the best thing we can do for ourselves and family. 
love ️ E 

So sorry that you experienced so much loss. I totally understand how you feel. I looked after my mum at home too until she passed away, although I had my dad there and a community nurse came every morning to renew her morphine pump. I also have images of my mum being so thin and struggling to breathe coming into my head especially when I try to sleep. I try to remember what the community nurse told me - she couldn't say with 100% certainty but it was most likely that it was much more distressing for me to see my mum struggling to breathe that than it was for mum experiencing it as the drugs would have made her unaware of what was going on.

The fact that you managed to care for your mum alone tells me you do have a huge amount of strength within you but you just need to find it again. I know for me it was easier to find the strength to deal with caring for my mum than to deal with living without her and it sounds like you're feeling the same. You should feel incredibly proud of yourself that you took care of your mum and no doubt she was incredibly proud of you and grateful for the sacrifices you made to be there for her, although I know for me it felt like a privilege to be there for my mum and it never felt like I was sacrificing anything. I felt stronger than I've ever done in the days after she passed because I knew I'd done all I could for her but since coming home again I'm really struggling to sleep or find peace, strength and motivation for doing the things I used to love doing. I know my mum was proud of the strong, independent, adventurous person I was and she wanted me to get on with my life, be happy and make her proud and I feel like I'm letting her down not carrying on as normal but I just don't have the energy to be the person I was before.

Like you I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. I don't want to worry my dad and I don't have close friends near me. As a normally strong person it's hard to admit I may need counselling but maybe it's time to get help. There's no shame in reaching out for help and I guess being here on this forum was the first and hardest step. If you'd like some moral support I will commit to making an appointment to see my GP about counselling if you will too? We can and will get through this but we just need a little help. 

Hello. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. As you can imagine we are all on this page because we share a common experience of losing a love one to cancer. I myself lost my mother when I was 25 years old. (6years ago now) and remember feeling very similar to the way you are feeling. No one’s experiences are completely the same and unless you’ve been through it personally, all the kind words & support from loved ones and those who are close will never seem to cut it. 
unfortunately, there is no easy or quick fix to heal the tremendous pain & hurt we go through. But speaking from past experience, I personally found this page & forum a wonderful way to put into words my feelings. As a father of 3 and very much a mans man, I have always felt enormous responsibility to protect & provide, not only for my wife & kids. But for my 2 younger siblings. After the passing of my mum, I always felt I didn’t have time to fall apart & grieve because of those around me that depend on me to remain strong. which in the short term was great. But you can’t maintain a this forever. You have to take time to do whatever helps you get through. What ever that may be. I

 too watched the person I adored my whole life deteriorate into nothing more than a shell of ‘person’ 

I promise you, those visuals you have of her last days do not last forever. As time passes, we ignore those images and remember the person we knew in life. Those grief stricken days do melt away and the lasting memory of your loved one prevails and shines through. 

5 years ago when I first commented on this page I never ever imagined I’d be on the other side of this conversation, handing out advice & having a positive outlook on life. But trust me, you will get there. It’s the memories and celebration of your special persons life that gets you through. 

please keep talking, to anyone. Family, friends, loved ones or even complete strangers like me. I wish you all the best 

Karl 

Thanks Karl. My mom died 2 weeks ago and Ive been confused about my feelings.  I know my mom specifically said to me that I should enjoy life and not be sad yet that is the only thing that feels right.  My job brings so much joy on a daily basis that having returned to work I have found that for a second here and there I find myself smiling which automatically makes me feel wrong or guilty. I'm glad to hear from your perspective that things settle down. I think maybe I began grieving as soon as we heard the diagnosis, though still only 3 months ago. 

Anyway thanks for the positive outlook. My advice to others is to do what our loved one would want for us but of course I'm finding it hard to take my own advice!

All the best

Steve.