My Grandad's birthday has just passed, which was roughly 3 weeks after the funeral. I feel guilty for saying this but it still hadn't really felt real up until this point - like he hadn't really gone, even though I was there with him during his last few days. I feel overwhelmed with grief but also don't want to put my emotions on my family members who are also grieving. I am finding it hard to push through these last couple weeks of my education and even complete my work. I am away from home and it can be very isolating. I am at a loss as I thought I was doing OK but I really don't know where to go from here.
Hi Petal
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your grandad.
Sometimes losing someone doesn't feel real until you have the funeral - this is a normal part of the grieving process and nothing to feel guilty about. Deep down we all feel that a person has not passed and they are just sleeping and will be okay again soon. Once the funeral has taken place then we realise that this is not the case.
You can take great comfort from being with your grandad during his last few days. This would also have given him great comfort and made his passing more peaceful. We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so there are no rights or wrongs. Sometimes it is hard to talk to family. A good way to get around this and help relieve some of your own emotions is to start writing a memory book. You can include lots of stories from your own childhood, stories your grandad told you of his childhood, stories from other relatives and any of your grandads friends / ex work colleagues. You should include lots of photos and happy stories as well as sad stories. You can do some of this on your own and at other times with family members - they don't have to be long discussions. You can ask them just to confirm something which will only take a few minutes then talk about something else. This will help to get over any hurdles of not discussing it too much with family members but in a gradual way.
I gather you are at uni and it can be difficult with the pressures of study and being away from home. Most, if not all, universities will have staff who are there to support students in many different ways including bereavement. They may also have their own chaplain who you could talk to if you wanted to. Do you have a real best friend at uni or at home? If they are a true friend they will listen to you and offer what ever comfort they can without turning you away like casual acquaintances might. Please see links below for where to get further support.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
