Mum died today

My Mum died today - I keep saying it because I can't actually believe it is true.

She had breast cancer 3.5 years ago - she fought through the treatment and was cancer free 

She went to the doctor's in December because she had tummy ache, the gp said he would do a stool sample and to let him know if it didn't go away.2  weeks later the sample came back okay but the pain was still there - Mum started thinking it was an intolerance, she rang the doctors to say it was still bad could he get back in touch - this didn't happen.

In march mum rang me one day crying, her breathing was funny due to the stomach pain and she asked me to take her to  hospital - they said they believed she had gallstones.

They got her in for a scan the next day which showed 'something' in her gallbladder. Then she had a CT scan, an MRI another CT. over a period of 4 weeks the pain continues mum struggled to eat and lost weight. We were finally (on a Friday) thankfully given the news it was NOT cancer).

Mum woke up with a swollen calf on the Saturday, I told her to get herself to hospital ASAP just incase it was a blood clot, it was, the doctor said he wasn't happy with the 'not cancer' diagnosis and asked for bloods and another crushed MRI/CT she had a biopsy of her live, gallbladder and pancreas.

Later that day her opposite leg swelled so much that she got a doctor's appointment, it was the same doctor as before - he said it was probably because she missed 1 fragmin injection - he sent her away with co codamol.

The leg got bigger until Mum was unable to move properly, I visited her one day and she sounded like she was struggling to breath, it took her to hospital where she had another CT scan, they told us they could see the large clot and that it had travelled to her lungs - she had had a pulmonary embolism.

3 Weeks ago they told us she had a diagnosis of cholangiocarcinoma. She was still unable to move properly at this point.

Last Monday they told us it was terminal - palliative care only - on wednesday they told us she had 'short months' left.

She went into hospital Thursday - she had a fever/ was unwell - they kept her in as her oxygen was low. She hated it in there, she didn't have her morphine, she was given no antibiotics for the infextion. She came home at 4pm on Saturday. We had a lovely hour playing with the grandkids, hopeful mum would have time to finish what she wanted.

3 hours later mum mimicked signs of a stroke, slurred speech and weakness. Ambulance was called and they took her straight into resus.

A doctor met with us after scans, she had a major stroke but also sepsis. her lungs were filled with blood clots and the cancer had spread further in a matter of days. He asked us how long we thought she had, we said months and he said it was days 

She went to the hospice the next day - waiting 5.5 hours for an ambulance to move her. She was terrified of dying In hospital due to the amount of pure negligence over the previous week's.

She held on for 2 days in the hospice, she was sedated throughout. 

The death rattle lasted the entire team, she had... A long and seemingly painful death.

It was the scariest thing I've ever seen and I don't know as I'll ever be able to get over it.

My whole body hurts, I need my Mum back.

She had a tummy ache I don't understand what happened.

We different letters from different doctors all declare a different name for the cancer.

No one can answer the question as to why her blood clot so much despite being on blood thinners.

What if that original doctor DID SOMETHING, would she still be here?

What if they treated the infection in hospital? Would she have got sepsis and had the stroke?

How am I supposed to get get these questions answered.

My heart hurts so much I don't know how I will ever live a normal day again.