Hi everyone
My Dad recently passed away after battling an aggressive form of bladder cancer which despite multiple ops unfortunately spread until they could do no more.
Weve had the funeral now but it is extremely difficult to shake the memories of the last year or so. Especially his last few days in hospital before he passed away. Due to covid it was actually the first time I had been able to be so close to him in over a year.
My Dad kept his diagnosis, health, wellbeing very close to his chest as he didnt want any of us kids to worry about him. Having seen both his mum and dad die of cancer I know he didnt want to put any of us through the same thing. In some respects I wish he had just been able to be honest and tell us what was happening rather than keeping us in the dark.
I guess the reason I have joined here is that I never really sought any guidance around my Dads cancer diagnosis. It would be really good to speak to people who have been throu a similar experience and perhaps help to guide me over the next few months. I'm not quite sure how to process everything that happened to him, how he must have really been feeling and how to try to let my worries and anxieties go. Those last few days were absolutely awful for all of us. It must've been terrible for him but I know he is at peace now. God bless you Dad. He was such a very very brave man.
Hi VWBeetles
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your dad.
I think he kept everything to himself because, as you say, he didn't want to cause you any upset and worry. He did what he thought was right for his family which would have been his top priority because of seeing his own parents pass from cancer. He didn't want you all to suffer the same distress that he went through at that time. You can take great comfort, despite it being distressing, from being with your dad during his last few days. This would also have given him great comfort having his family around him and would have made his passing more peaceful.
We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so don't worry if others seem to be over it before you or some don't show as much emotions - you have to look after yourself and grieve your own way. Remember that your dad will always be around you and will always try to guide and support you as best he can. Talk to him when ever and where ever you want - even just a few words about what the weather is doing. Ask him to guide you through your emotions and open yourself up to any sign that he sends to let you know he is near - this could be finding a white feather unexpectedly, radio / tv retuning to his favourite, finding something of his you thought was lost years ago. Visit his favourite places on your own such as the local park, talk to him and open up to any signs - you will know when these happen. Your pain and worries will not go away but over time your mind will become more aware of the triggers and teach you coping methods so that everything seems easier. Never hide your emotions even if somewhere public - you can always shed silent tears, nip to the toilet and have a proper cry or hang a short while until you get home then really let it all out and talk to your dad as you do.
A great way of expressing all your emotions and worries is to write them down. Create a memory book about your dad including stories from your childhood, stories from his childhood, stories from some of your dads work colleagues and friends. Include lots of photos and your own family to share as many stories as you can - remember the sad stories not just the happy ones. You could also plant some of his favourite flowers in your garden or the local park (with permission) so that these will be a reminder for you.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
You are welcome Liz. Remember call the helpline if you need to and post here whenever you want and someone will always get back to you.
Sending you another hug.
David
