I have seen many stories on here from loved ones who have lost people close to them, specially their Mums! My heart goes out to you all.
I lost my Mum 3 weeks ago to a rare abdominal Sarcoma (the long name I cant remember), after battling cancer for 4 years, at only 57 years old. Completely healthy, non smoker, normal healthy weight, healthy lifestyle and she gets the worst luck in the world.
Story:
Initially having it removed by hysterectomy, followed by intense radiotherapy and lots of recovery. We thought it had it had gone...well we kept out fingers crossed and kept hoping that it wouldn't come back. But it came back a year or so later, my Mum finding the lump on a family holiday in Florida. She kept this from us so we would have a good family holiday, which ended up being the last one we were all on together (before Covid struck).
Returning meant rapid investigations to confirm it had returned with vengeance, this was followed by intense chemotherapy. This completely changed our lives, and was the beginning of the end. Covid restrictions meant the time she was having chemotherapy I wasn't able to care for her and spend time with her like I would have done.
Looking back now I realised how brave and strong she was going through all of that struggle and fight, just for us as a family.
August 2020: chemotherapy no longer working. October: begin tablets under private care. January 2021: Tablets not working, cancer is growing. Now palliative care and given from 2 weeks to 2 months to live. The tumor grew and grew until she looked 'pregnant', it was heartbreaking, seeing your Mum decline slowly in front of you.
Mum lived until April 19th, passed away at home where she wanted to be, in the arms of my Dad. She wasn't in any pain and she kept her dignity throughout, with the unconditional love from my dad and support from St Michael's Hospice.
Now she has gone, my heart is so heavy, i feel constantly spaced out, exhausted, lost, its so difficult to even think of life without her, it is so hard every day and the funeral is tomorrow. I miss her so much already.
I work for the NHS and i have to go back to work in a couple of weeks. She was my best friend and there is now a massive Mum shaped hole in our family. I know that from now one life is going to be so different, every day and every life event is going to be bitter sweet.
I wanted to just post on here to get any support or words of advice from others going through or that have been through the same thing.
Thank you for reading
Hi FamilyC
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.
Unfortunately cancer can and does affect anyone regardless of age, health, religion, gender or ethnicity. It sounds as if your mum was a tough lady and fought as hard as could against her illness. You can take great comfort from knowing that she passed peacefully in the arms of your dad at home which was her wish. This would also have given her great comfort and made her passing more peaceful.
Your mum will always be there with you and will always try to guide and support you as best she can. Talk to her whenever and where ever you want, even when getting back home just say what the weather is doing. You need to open yourself to any signs, which may take a few days, that she is listening. These could be finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning to her favourite, finding something belonging to your mum that appeared to have been lost for years. Visit one of your mums favourite places such as the local park on your own, talk to her, tell her how you feel and how much you miss her. She will find a way of letting you know she is near and will comfort you as best she can. Start a memory book about your mum including stories from your childhood, stories from her childhood, stories from relatives and some of your mums friends / work colleagues. Include lots of photos. Writing things down is a great way to express your emotions and you could do it as a family so that you all share all the memories but you must remember some of the sad times as well as the happy ones.
The pain you are feeling is perfectly normal. We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so there isn't a right or wrong way or time. Even if you are somewhere like a supermarket you can always nip to the toilet for five minutes or even just leave the shop. Try not to bottle up your emotions too much - maybe for a short while until you get home and are on your own if you prefer. Make sure your work colleagues are aware of how you feel - do you want to talk about your mum occasionally or not? Let your manager know how you feel and if you need any time off in the future discuss it with them - I'm sure they would rather have you take a couple of days to feel better rather than not work to your best capabilities. If you work in a hospital they will have a bereavement service attached to the chapel and you can ask them for support whenever you need it. The pain never leaves you and things can strike at any time, even many years later. However, your mind will learn what these triggers are and will help you to create coping strategies which will make everything seem easier as time goes by.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
