I lost my Dad on 1st April. He had bowl cancer that had spread to his liver and lungs.
Dad had been unwell for 2 years and although I knew it was coming the pain of losing him is so overwhelming. The main thing I’m struggling with at the moment is guilt.
Dad had still been eating small amounts, sipping on drinks and talking etc. The last couple of days before he passed away he was getting increasingly agitated and my mum and I made the decision to have the morphine drive fitted. It was fitted at 9pm on the Wednesday night, by 5.30am the Thursday morning he was gone. I just can’t get it out of my head that we did it, that we killed him by fitting the driver.
How could he go from talking, jibberish but talking, eating, drinking...to gone.
I’m constantly looking up end of life drugs to see if I can put my mind at rest, to tell me that we did the right thing. To tell me that we didn’t rush him out. Nothing is giving me that answer.
Would he have still been here if we hadn’t done it? Did we do the right thing?
I can’t get it out of my head that we are to blame for him not being here. I miss him so so much. I just can’t find peace or acceptance.
Hi Kayleigh
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.
I can understand your feelings of guilt as I had very similar feelings. Unfortunately hindsight is not always a wonderful thing and can lead to many unanswered questions. You will never know if fitting the drive was the cause of his passing. Your dad would know that you were doing what you thought was right for him. You can take comfort from knowing that he would have passed more peacefully due to the morphine which he would be grateful for. You can also take great comfort, as he would have done, that you and your mum cared so much for him and helped him with everything over the last period. Please read this page which explains about drives - scroll down to see the section Will the patient die sooner with a syringe pump?
Talk to your dad as much as you can whenever and wherever you want. He will always be around you and will try to guide and support you as best he can. Tell him about how you feel, ask him if it was the right thing to do, tell him you did it to ease his suffering. He will find a way to comfort you and you have to open yourself to any sign that he is there. This could be finding unexpected white feathers, radio / tv retuning to his favourite. They could happen immediately or a few days later. You have to open yourself and accept these signs that he is listening and will support you as best he can. You can visit one of his favourite places, such as the local, park and talk to him there and quietly await any response he may send such as a bird coming right up to you.
Try creating a memory book about your dad including stories from your childhood, stories from his childhood, stories from other relatives and from some of your dads friends / work colleagues and include lots of photos. The pain will not go away but over time your mind will learn to recognise triggers and help you to learn coping methods to deal with them. Writing how you feel is always easier than talking to anyone and you could carry a notepad all the time then note down how you feel, what triggered it and how you dealt with it. Ask you dad to help cope with these triggers. Never bottle up your emotions even in public such as a supermarket - you can always nip to the toilet for 5 minutes or leave the store.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
