Im not sure where to even start! My mum was diagnosed with Bladder cancer last June and subsequently had her bladder removed and was fitted with a Stoma bag, something she took really bad, it was one of the first times, I ever saw my mum weak and venerable as she was such a stubborn Irish lady - Our very own Mrs Brown!
After the operation the Doctors believed it had been contained, sadly it wasnt meant to be and on the 18th August she was told it had spread and even with chemo she would only have months left, she decided against chemo. She never really got out of bed after that and in the last week of November became a totally different person, she began to see things, could really hold a sentence, loss use of her legs and hands, something that we as a family were not expecting nor ready for.
The first week of December, I managed to get her a bed at our local hospice, where she deteriorated even more and took her last breath at 3.19 on the 5th December. There are four children and I guess we dealt with it in our own ways. I just throw myself into organising her funeral, as I couldnt face Christmas knowing she wasnt at Peace. Christmas came and went as did New year,with three children, I thought I was coping well.
The last month or so, its almost as if its all become overwhelming and that reality has now sunk in! I have never ever suffered from Anxiety, now however its so overwhelming its often takes over my whole body and is so hard to control. I have also began to experience sleepless nights, which again is having a huge effect on me. :(
I know 100% what she would be saying to me,she would be telling me shes in a better place, out of pain etc and that I need to be strong and pick myself up! and I want to, I just dont know how. x
Its also worth adding my mum was my best friend, and I harbour guilt that I am not crying all the time, even thou I am sad, why am I just numb?
Hi Bea78 I had to reach out to you because your story sounds so much like mine with my mum. My mum did pass away in the hospice, and I am grateful that I was able to be there as she passed. I was completely devastated when she passed, but hid it well as I kept busy arranging her funeral, sorting her belongings, looking after my children and I went straight back to work. Everyone at work was so shocked because I went back so soon, but I felt at the time that mum was no longer in pain, so a small part of me was relieved that she was now at peace. Then about 6 months later I felt so guilty for feeling that way. I became angry that she had gone. I miss her so much. The sleepless nights will not be helping at all. There are ways you can help yourself with this. There are herbal tablets, or you can talk to your GP about sleeping tablets for a short time. I had to do that in the end.
The grief you are experiencing now is completely normal. It sounds like you were bottling it up, and it has to come out at some time. Remember it is ok to not feel ok.
Take care x
